First I had to clean up then accept two guests. After they left I worked with the terrariums and the frogs. The cat waited patiently for her turn as Snow and I discussed the service animal issue before me. She wants to know if I can do the stairs. I said, I fear my depression has gotten to the point that a cat will allow me to lay in bed for a good long time but a dog demands I get up. Besides, I am a dog person. Mary Jane is the best girl ever, the best. I’m afraid of losing her and I’m afraid of what I’m feeling in my head and the desperation in my heart. I feel my situation is such that I can do the stairs to take him out daily, 4 x. I’ve gotten stronger. At the end of the winter I’ll know for certain if I can do this. Dr. D and Dr. Yes are on board with this. I need something that forces my hand, that forces me outside myself. I’m afraid of me. I’m afraid of the depression, of the anger and anxiety. I feel like I’m betraying my girl by bringing another furry creature here.
I’ve tried several dogs but I’ve not gotten a match that I was able to keep. The last dog here had a terrible problem with masturbation which played into my issues pretty badly. I’d walk in there and he’d be helping himself out and I’m dodging stuff. Man! That was bad, but I liked that little dog a lot, he stole my heart quickly. It’s just he had a bit of a problem.
My anxiety level is such that I’m craving cigarettes again. That happens from time to time, where it’s really strong. Right now it’s really strong.
The anxiety right now is so strong I just wan to yell, “somebody please help me.” I don’t know what they could do it’s just that I feel desperate and nervous. I want to run, paint, sew and sleep at the same time. I want to eat…something salty…….and I want to clean the house more and I want to cover my head with the covers all at the same time.
I’ve done some drip art but I’ve mainly focused on getting this room back in order. I swear it gets destroyed so easily. The bedroom part is fine but the studio area looks like there was a disaster at Hobby Lobby and there were casualties. I need to do more work over there before I start new projects. I think there’s a lot of fun to come in 2017, creatively speaking.