Content: Brief mention of a child’s death. The second paragraph and all the way to the end has no mention of it.

1)  It’s understandably a difficult day over here. I’ve been sort of pushing things to the background, trying not to feel the full force of the loss. If I think of it too long I start to shake, my body starts to shake. I’ve been in touch with my medical team to make sure I’m doing okay. I can’t seem to get my pain level to go to its baseline. I was given temporary medication and advice. …. I keep skipping out as I try to write one paragraph… Keeping it together by pushing it away has resulted in a splitting headache and an upset stomach, I have to be able to process this and lay it to rest in the time I need. The support group is good because we help one another when there’s a loss. I’m going to shut up about that.

2)  I visited a few Facebook groups I belong to which helped lift my spirits. Tiny frogs, spiders, goldfish, snails, all the stuff I love is what I visited at the groups. I looked at all those beautiful fish tanks and remembered how much I loved seeing my goldfish swim. I’ve seen some beautiful things in those tanks of mine.

I never in a million years thought I’d see a snail give live birth or watch a frog produce over 500 eggs, one at a time. I never thought I’d set out to learn the life cycle of an earth worm or the needs of crickets, but I did. Remembering plants spring to the top of the tank in beautiful colors is a wonderful memory to hold but I do not wish to return to it. I think being on the FB aquarium group fills that need, besides, I did plenty of filming when I had tanks. I have footage of my fish swimming and my frogs swimming. I have video of waterlilies and duckweed and all those beautiful things.

I had tanks for so long that it’s difficult to look at my wall because it feels like something is missing. What a huge hole it makes, but it’s a change I’ve accepted. I’m not currently in a position to manage a tank and do other things I need to do, and want to do. I needed to lighten my load. I’ll keep my goals in front of me and know I made the right decision with the fish tanks.

As I write, my best girl Janie is to my right sleeping at the top of the bed. I made an area at the top of my mattress for her to sleep. I don’t have a headboard so all I did was move the entire bed down by about 1.5 feet, add a support and put a blanket up there. I don’t sleep on the extra space, but my pillows go up that high. Anyway, I move around a lot which disturbs her, so it’s easier for her at the top where my movement doesn’t bother her as much.

I chose to get a twin bed because I thought it would give me more space in the room. The twin works, besides, its got a 6 inches memory foam mattress top. I have zero complaints about my bed, zero. Jane, on the other hand, would prefer I stop squirming about.

Alright, it’s time to log off. Time for a piece of cake and a cup of tea.

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