Taste. My taste changes quite often. Right now I can’t stand the taste of ice cream, at all. Before that it was peppermint. I suddenly couldn’t stand the taste. It took about a month before I could eat it again. It’s going on 2 months since my taste for ice cream has changed. It’s crazy.

I wonder, too, is my current depression caused by RSD or is the depression bc of constant symptoms from RSD? I don’t know, but I feel so low and like I just don’t care anymore. I’m not suicidal. I don’t mean that, but it’s like I just don’t feel connected to tasks. There’s no flame, no drive. I’m just going through the motions.

I’m very low and it’s been since this dx was confirmed. I think I’m partly angry that I went through the symptoms for so long b4 being believed. “It can’t hurt that bad. I barely touched you.” I had a doctor tell me “I’m looking at you and there’s nothing about you that says you’re disabled.” I told her to stop looking at me and read my chart.

Four years in I get medication to help with the nausea, cause now they believe me. I’m happy they finally believe me but I’m still mad because nothing changed other than that a college said, hey, she doesn’t have FMS, this is RSD. Then everyone else was like, oh, okay, that makes sense now. Am I supposed to think, well, that’s in the past, lets move forward? No! I’m pissed. You let me suffer, said I was exaggerating. Bastards.

For three years my symptoms raged. I’m angry about that, very. I remember when the pain in my right arm increased and I couldn’t sleep that a physical therapist said, “You may have to learn to live with this.” I was lying down with her above me telling me I had to add more pain to my plate. I thought, “No. I’d rather be dead than add more pain.”

I remember praying to God telling him I can’t do mental illness and Lupus because its going to break me. I asked for relief, either or, but not both because I don’t have it in me. As I understand it, the RSD is a result of the Lupus.

Tomorrow is errands day. I’m going to go out in public with silent rage behind my eyes. I’m going to take care of a few things with no connection to my surroundings, walking 5 inches above the ground. Maybe while floating I’ll find a spark….better yet, a rope…to pull me up just a little bit.

December 3, 2017 – 4:39amEST

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