We went over the entry about not knowing who my mother was on a personal level. We talked about how there were few photos of her as a child and that the one’s we saw of her and her sisters only showed them standing together but not touching. It was clear no one wanted to stand there.

When I was about 12 my sister and I had a photo sitting where the photographer asked my sister to put her hand on my shoulder. I didn’t want her to touch me.

I’m rather shaky at the moment, somewhat nauseated. It feels emotional and physical so I’m going to lie back down soon.

We talked about finances and that I no longer have an inheritance. That means more to my sister than to me. I was rather frank with him about it. Growing up there was sex, blood and money. My mother dealt with us in a business manner. We got paid for good grades and fined for bad ones. We got paid for winning word games and fined for ending a sentence in a preposition. I paid a $15 fine to my mother for eating a piece of candy I told my sister she could eat. That was the second grade. The same mother who had us living in a car and who thrived on violence was the same mother who gave her kids a bank account as early as the second grade.

We talked about how the mother was angry and said she was leaving us. She walked out of the door. I followed her to try and convince her to come back in. After she threatened to choke me I told her to go on but she wasn’t leaving us with nothing. I was so angry with her, so angry! I was yelling and cursing at her telling her if she was leaving she wasn’t getting any money to take with her. I reminded her that I had her bank card and her check book. Dr. D knows she had me writing checks and paying bills from her account in the 4th grade. It sounds so unbelievable, so over the top but it was my normal. With her it was sex, blood and money…period. But that day I was furious! Leave, go, but you’re not getting any money. I turned around and walked back in the house.

My sister was flipping out!!! She kept crying and screaming, saying I made her leave, it was my fault. I told her to go to bed and we’d figure it out tomorrow. She did. She’s my older sister but she did exactly was I told her. I stayed up and looked at her checkbook again and poured over all the bills and such to see how long we could stay in that house undetected.  The 2nd grade and the 4th grade were hell.

Last night was a night of strong flashbacks. I’m not doing that well emotionally.

My big male frog Steve “the Beast” Austin was able to pass his blockage. My tiniest frog didn’t make it. I started to take her back to the store shortly after purchase because something didn’t seem right about her, but I kept her anyway. She died a week ago I think.  Pete is my African Clawed Frog who will be 13 or 14 this year. I have to go back and look at his paper work. He’s looking good. I intend to get 3rd Firebelly toad because they do better in pods. They feel safer and are more active. Since my pain levels have been all over the place I put the moss I’d been working with in an aquarium and will let it sit until I can get back to it. More doll house work is being done, just smaller things like tiny paintings and making curtains for all the windows.

January 9th, 2017 – 3:30pm EST

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