In the dream I was in my early 20’s.

The dream started off with me walking to a local convenient store with a man I’d been seeing. As we reached the entrance we met a woman that he knew. They began to talk about how he’d been asked to leave a place he was staying because they discovered a gun in a gym bag. The two walked to the side of the store to continue their conversation. The woman said she was having a hard time with employment because people didn’t want to accept a woman who killed her children. She said, when people find out you’ve done the same, they’ll leave you, too and you won’t be able to get a job.

When he went in the store for his purchase I ran home to warn my sister not to allow him to sleep on the sofa which she arranged to take place. I told her about the gun, but she said guns can be removed. Mom will hold on to the gun while he’s here. I thought, gracious, which is worse, a drunk with a gun or mom with a gun?

I figured mom would never allow a gun in the house so I waited to tell her when she got home. She said she was aware and would remove all guns and liquor from his bag.

While talking to her about the dangers of such a man being in our home, I was lying on the sofa half awake and half asleep. I couldn’t wake up for the life of me. I could talk to her but I couldn’t sit up or fully wake myself. I asked why she would risk this, but I didn’t get an answer. I said, has he told you about his children or that he has a wife a few blocks away? I didn’t say, he killed his children. I hoped to tap into some tiny piece of decency that wouldn’t allow this man to stay in our home. She kept pulling things out of his bag, handing them to my sister to store safely. He hasn’t told you about his children has he? She looked at me as if to say, “No matter what you said, he’s staying.”It didn’t matter what he’d done recently or in the past, and I knew it. Anything and anyone before me, anything other than my desires or needs, that’s what will happen.

I asked where he was to sleep and why it was okay that we all had to lock our bedroom doors and the hallway door leading back to the bedrooms, just so a man she hardly knew could sleep on our sofa. It didn’t matter. I got no answer, just a look. It was so clear, and competitive. The more I told her the more cement sealed her decision to let him stay.

The man opened the front door to find the three of us in the living room with his gym bag. The dream ended there.

Thoughts: She never would have allowed anyone to spend the night at our house. I can’t remember ever having a friend over for the night. What I noticed in the dream was her willingly hurting me and knowingly putting us in an unsafe situation. My sister, as always, stood beside her abuser unwaveringly. It just occurred to me, my mother didn’t say a word, not a single word. My sister said very little. I did most of the talking in the dream. After reading again, I see she did say a sentence.

Feelings upon waking: Sick, heavy, upset.
Feelings while writing: Angry, disappointed and disgusted. The look on her face telling me I didn’t matter cuts to the bone. I simply didn’t matter.


written: Wednesday January 11, 2017 4:31pm EST

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