This is hard to break, it’s hard to stop mistreating myself through words. At the slightest mistakes I kick into crushing words that leave a mark each time I use them against myself. Everyone knows an abused child feels the pain of words decades after being spoken. Those attacks stay with us and it molds how we speak to ourselves.

I have been unspeakably cruel to myself. My heart has a thousand cuts by my own hand, and my eyes have been taught to see my every flaw and report its findings. I am cruel to myself. This is the year where things change for me, where I start looking at specific issues such as self loathing and crippling negativity.

I will practice speaking more kindly to myself. It’s not about being nicer to myself, but SPEAKING nicer to myself. We speak to people in the way we feel about them. Our tone, body language and chosen words (restrained or otherwise) tell how we feel about a person. I need my tone, my words and the motivation behind them to offer more kindness to me than ever before.

When I am afraid of my body I don’t need to tell myself I’m a coward. When I am too tired to lift myself from bed there shouldn’t be a litany of rude comments about not being strong enough, not being driven. Then what should there be? The words should be ones I need to hear, words tailored to my specific needs. I need soft words of encouragement. I need validation.

Common scenario: It was a hard, long night. I’ve vomited. I’m tired. I need to get up and clean up but I can’t right now because I’m too tired. Instead of telling myself I’m a dog laying in its own vomit and how disgusting this is, I could really use a kind word.

Me 1 This is disgusting. You need to get up!
Me 2 softly Hey, hey, hey, you’re tired. I know it. Remember, there’s a wash rag and towel in the drawer so you can wipe your face and hands. Your blankets were protected by the chucks. Push the chucks off in a pile, cover them up.
Me 1 – If people saw this they’d take Janie. They’d say it’s not healthy.
Me 2 Remember, you planned in advance for stuff like this. You can cover the chucks, wipe your hands and face really well. You’ve got water to drink right here. Why not pull up the covers and rest a bit before doing more?”

There may be no need to counter statements about being gross, about someone taking away the things I love because I’m disgusting. Negative comments might be made, but I don’t need to disprove them. I can just keep offering softly spoken support and suggestions…..You keep a clean cloth and towel so you can wipe your face. Roll the chucks in a pile and cover them. Lay under the heated blanket until you have rested enough….. That’s what I need to hear. That’s what works for me. I’m not one for an energetic pep talk at that time. This tells me that my kind speech may change in delivery but the goal of speaking kindly to myself will be the same; focus and relax.

Kind self talk is one of the highest priorities of my 2017 life upgrades.


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2 thoughts on “A Thousand Cuts by My Own Hand

  1. With your childhood, it’s no wonder you have often talked harshly to yourself. You didn’t have a healthy, loving role model to show you how to be kind to yourself, to give yourself a break.

    I’m sorry there isn’t someone there to clean up for you and to lovingly tuck you into bed. That would be the best. It’s beautiful though that you can rouse all the kindness that is inside of you (that no abuser could destroy) and apply it to yourself in the midst of your suffering.

    Sending you love and good wishes.

  2. Kind self talk is such a difficult thing. Always it requires thought. I love the idea of this as a goal for 2017. It’s okay to rest before cleaning it up.

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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