Just behind my eyes there are tears that would fall, if they could.

Last night I played a game on my tablet. I love the gem mining game called Swipe Live. I call it a dissociative friendly game because I don’t have to race a clock. I can’t guarantee I’ll not fade off, so games without a time clock work best for me. Anyway, it was late and I was still playing this game. I felt like I was on auto pilot. I didn’t want to stop. I knew I was tired but I was running from myself…..again.

True to form I dissociated. I came back when the screen went black. It was starling because the rest of the room was pitch black, too. I was so tired though and really wanted to just let it all go black, stop fighting, go to sleep. But there’s a part of me that sees sleep as giving in, giving up. So I played the game again from the light of a Samsung Galaxy. 

Sleep is the most vulnerable position to be in. My mind is going to be more cruel in sleep than it is while I’m awake. It’s going to color every corner of my mind with images I can’t scrape off. When I wake I’ll lay on my side, facing the wall…. exhausted. The funny thing is, all I’ll want to do right then is sleep. It’s safer when the sun is up, when there’s plenty of light.

That’s just how it is with me. I fight it tooth and nail, nearly until I lose my mind. I fall asleep to the sound of gems falling or to the voice of a book I’ve listened to a hundred times.

Eventually, when the curtain behind my eyes has raised, I’ll cry and I’ll cry as long as the curtain is open.


1-22-17 2:40 am EST

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