Let me start from the beginning. I saw Dr. Yes Wednesday evening. He wanted me to see a pain specialist. I said okay. I called the people Friday morning to talk about an appointment. When she started talking about therapy and injections and another MRI with this and that test I stopped her. I explained that I’ve been through all that many times with no real results. I said what I really need is a doctor who understands that there are going to be flares I need help getting out of. I said, the steroids, though horrible, do help me but there are also times when my pain level is getting out of control and I need to take the edge off. I said, that’s why I’m requesting a script of 30 Vicodin every 90 days. Talking to Dr. Yes’s office Friday morning took a nasty turn from there.
The pain management office doesn’t give pain medication other than to give injections which have proven ineffective for me. I called Dr. Yes and told him what I’m looking for. He said he would never refer me to an office that gives narcotics. He said, I don’t want you on narcotics. After much battling, Dr. Yes said he’d give the script every 90 days but I have to go to the pain management center. It felt like a ransom. I’ll give you this tiny, little crumb of a script but only if you go do the same thing you’ve done for years which have never, ever, ever shown improvement. My general practitioner is the weak link in my care team. I tell you, I hate this man right now.
He said he doesn’t want me to use the wheel chair. I said, when I need it I will. He said, no handicapped parking sticker. I want you walking. God forbid we should make anything easier or take a load off me. This man right now ….and many times before…..has been nothing but a thorn in my side! For 2 years I’ve seen this guy and what, 5 times he actually looks at me and talks to me like a human being. I hate him. I hate him because he’s a cold pig. His secretary said, do you want us to give you these pills and just send you home and do nothing? I guess I don’t do anything for myself. I guess I don’t fight and fight and fight to keep my head on straight and actually have a life despite mental health, despite my body imploding.
Then there was an issue with the fact that I can’t work with a female pain specialist. Dr. Yes’s nurse said, why?, why can’t you work with a female doctor? …. You know what? The last thing you want to do is push a person whose on the edge and I’m telling you, I’m on the edge and I don’t desire to be pushed. ……… Who the heck are you ya cow! You stupid heifer, who the heck do you think you are challenging me like that? Please find the nearest bridge and leap head first you stupid pile of pigeon crap.
So I talked to Dr. D who helped me get calmed down. It was a really helpful session. I needed help controlling my breathing. I was trying not to panic, trying to control my head. It felt so heavy at times. I was crying hysterically at one point True to form, I never raised my voice (shakes head) how rediculous to be so mad but not raise your voice a single time. I was exhausted, all over the place, talking fast then feeling totally drained then swinging right back to high anxiety….. out of it….. lost…tired…..My 45 min therapy session was a wild swing ride.
Shortly after the session I got a call that a sympathy card is needed for a woman whose grandmother died. So in the middle of my breakdown I left the four walls of my world and I did something for someone else. It felt good. After it was made and ready for delivery I turned on a book to listen to and I went to sleep. I felt rested when I woke.
Here I am at almost 7 am, pain is leveling out, anxiety is high and I’m mad. I’m spitting fire mad that this doctor and his nurse acted like taking pain pills is taking the easy way out… They’ve treated me for 2 years and know addiction isn’t an issue I have. Such judgement from people who couldn’t do a single day in this skin! Like me, they’d do anything to claw their way out.
I’m going to drink some relaxing tea, get my book to listen to and go back to sleep for a bit.