*** Disclaimer below
I will smile. I may crack a joke but behind these eyes is a woman who is so tired that she just wants to put the covers over her head and cease to exist. Please, I don’t want to do this anymore, let me go. I don’t want to laugh with you anymore and I don’t want to rise to the occasion anymore.
February 14th is his birthday, him, that boy who dared to take his own life and tear out the hearts of others. January 28th, I’m a hypocrite. There is no plan, no action I’m going to take it’s just that it’s heavy on my heart and I’m tired.
*** This is not an entry saying I’m going to kill myself. I know this subject is uncomfortable and it’s scary but I will not manipulate nor will I ever write an entry saying I’m going to kill myself. I want to be very clear that I’m talking about feelings, not actions or a plan. Like I did before, I will walk in the hospital if I feel I am not able to remain ‘safe’ with my support system. Like every other subject, I am expressing and processing in a raw, unedited way. Journal entry titles will give a good idea of major topics discussed.
Today’s agenda – Morning meds and more sleep.