Subject: Betty, hostile, confusing, unreasonable, seregate mother daughter relationships

I talked to Snow about her sister Betty. I told her that Betty is hostile toward me and that it’s getting pretty bad. At first I said, I need to talk to you about your sister. She crossed her arms. I said to her, ooooh, not good, body language, not good. She said, it just means I’m probably about to agree with you.

I told her what hostility is felt and that it’s not one or two things we’re looking at here, it’s a composite issue, one that has me pulling back from her. I told Snow that Betty has a mean streak. She agreed. I said, she desires to be seen as perfect and appearances matter to her. She is controlling, judgmental …..and prejudice. …One of the reasons for the arguments is because I’m still in fight or flight with her. Instead of flight associated with female anger there’s now fight. It’s still a PTSD response, just the opposite. Besides, I’m no longer a quiet little girl. That quiet kid I was in the beginning, learned to think on her feet and defuse parental bombs, or take on shrapnel and still finish the day. (shaking my head)

I told Snow that when Betty says crazy stuff it sometimes knocks me for a loop and I shoot back, not with wild anger but with blunt truth about how it would be nice if she’d at least fake compassion. The last thing she said to me (the other day) was so hurtful and so shocking that it needed to be addressed with someone reasonable.

I want to say good things about Betty. I want to say she’s stuck in the 50’s and was a person closed off from diversity but that’s not the case. There is no reason under the sun for her to hold on to ideas like this, none. Then I look at myself and go, Faith, do you know how this situation got this far? Yes, I do. I was still looking for a mother, any mother, and I wanted to believe she wasn’t mean spirited. I needed to believe it. I needed to belong to someone.

I attach myself to varying degrees of my mother.

Sometimes we find out people aren’t who they first appear to be. I mean, there were early signs. I remember saying about her that she’s missing something that other people have. I said she doesn’t respond normally. Its as if people don’t matter. It’s as if she primarily acts for appearance sake. There’s so much more to say but I hate to say it. I hate talking so badly about her, especially with my head so bad right now. It’s just that she drew the last straw the other day and threw a few curve balls. …. Then when we were coming in my apartment, she behind me, Betty made a comment that caused the hair on the back of my neck stand up…. It shook me, deeply.

Do you know the best way to let someone like this into your life? Be desperate. Have a need you obsess over or want so badly you’re willing to trade yourself and overlook red flags, flaming, bright red flags. Then when the house is on fire you can go back and write about how you got burned.

Desperation unchecked leads to unnecessary pain.

It was confusing though. I felt like I got double messages. The most recent message was that when she and her husband purchased a new car they made sure I could get in it without too much physical hardship. Now, that’s wonderful but it’s confusing, crazy, when you lay it next to what was said and done last Tuesday.

I feel like,  if I walk away now I’m the bad one because she’s done so much for me…… granted I’ve had to tell her to get out of my business, stop being controlling, don’t show up at my house just because we haven’t spoken in three days, no you can’t have a key to my apartment, on and on. I know just how much was done for me. I also feel the  amount of hurt caused by whatever the heck her problem is. It’s hard to put the two beside one another and reconcile them.

Now, I think I can go to sleep.

February 4, 2017 – 9:58am EST

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2 thoughts on “Hostility. They Don’t Matter.

  1. One sentence. Just one gets to the heart of it, doesn’t it? My immediate response, which was out loud, was, “Ha! Girrlll, ok?!” The answer is this – I’d ask that friend to take decisive steps to protect herself in the most peaceful way possible.

    The actions I take will be much slower than some, from the outside looking in, may understandably desire. I get that. What I know for a certainty is that I will continue to move in the opposite direction of this situation with delicate footsteps. A relationship amputation isn’t likely. Closeness and trust as before aren’t options, neither is making myself available for hostility.

    In a different issue of handling this situation, even if I dropped Betty like a hot potato today, I’d find another Betty tomorrow. The issue of needing to be someone’s daughter is very strong. I’m quite skilled at attaching myself to hostile, if not outright abusive women.

    This will be a constant matter of prayer (to handle this correctly on my end of things) and one in therapy as well as on the blog (to process and vent).

    Cherish, thank you for your pointed and valid question.
    Smiles to you and yours,


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