Edited. I needed to come back and edit this entry to make a few clearer distinctions between individuals. When I read entries down the line and in a better state of mind, I want as little confusion as possible.
Subject: Feeling triggered by my friend Birdie’s mental illness episode and her anger, still feeling half out of my mind, paranoid
I know I’m not doing well but, there isn’t strong enough psychosis in the world to keep me from a good plate of nachos.
Other than finally getting the much desired cheesy delight, I had to manage a situation I really didn’t want to be in. My friend Birdie was to come over but she’s having some mental health issues right now. She’s very angry and I didn’t feel like getting spilled on. I figured I’d be a jerk if I said no you can’t come but she wouldn’t get a stable me if she showed up. She canceled, but something interesting happened when I took that call.
Birdie called while my Bible instructor Snow was here for my weekly lesson. I talked to the friend for a few minutes. As I did I kicked into that little kid who always talked my mother down from violent insanity. The Red Bird wasn’t saying anything inappropriate at all, it was just that she wasn’t well at all. As I spoke to her I noticed I was grasping at straws. If this angle works, go with it, if it doesn’t skip over it and say something funny. I was a survivor at that moment and I knew it. What I didn’t realize was how badly I’d been triggered by Bird’s emotional loss of control.
After I hung up I sat on the sofa and wanted to disappear. Snow said something to me then began walking over to me…. not good…. my alter Robert popped right out and told her, “It’s in your best interest not to come over here.” Snow sat back down. …..Man! …. that sucks!!!
We finished the lesson then ran to Wally World for nacho supplies, then came back home.
I forgot to pay rent. When I remembered, it took me 3 times to get the check written correctly. I just can’t seem to think very well. I feel like I need time to get myself … better…. but like most people, where is that time to come from?
I have to see a dentist because when I was hitting those 9’s and 10’s I broke a tooth. Grinding my teeth, biting down too hard, all that fun stuff happens when my body goes through too much pain.
My head is mush. I’d love to sleep until Monday, to do nothing, think of nothing, just sleep until Monday when it’s time to go to my therapist’s office.
I just feel so scattered and afraid……….
I spent part of yesterday in traction because the right shoulder and neck area are giving me trouble. I tried to loosen some muscles by laying on my foam roller. It usually helps.
I’m surrounded by people who, in my heart I know care, but I don’t trust them. I feel paranoid, afraid of them. I don’t feel right…. at all. What I want is to feel warm and safe and to go to sleep without my mind running. There are a hundred different things going through my head. My eyes keep closing. I can feel pressure behind the right eye. I just open them again. I want to be ok.
The last day of steroids is tomorrow. I’m not in the flare up anymore. My mind hasn’t recovered fully (I hope it does) but the high doses of steroids have done their job. My body is back to its baseline pain, which I handle in different ways.
February 4, 2017 – 8:30am EST