Mother’s voice from the grave.
You’re a fast talker, a manipulator.
I owe a lot more than I give.
I’m shameful.
“fa@g#t failure”
They’re laughing at you.

Dead end messages In my head.
You overwhelm people with your intensity. I’m embarrassed by my intensity.
Crawl away and shut up.
You’re going so fast.
My mind is going so fast that it’s uncomfortable.
I’m sipping homemade apple ginger tea. It’s the first time in months I’ve stood at the counter top, sliced apples, sliced ginger and added my other ingredients. It’s been months.
I feel anxiety… a lot of anxiety.
I have therapy tomorrow and feel anxious around before I go. I’ve seen him for 10+ years but I still feel anxious the night before and in the waiting room.

I slowly bow my head and fall into my chest. I could easily go to sleep, easily. How am I both anxious and sleepy? I want to visit more blogs. I do. I didn’t get around to many today. I’ve got tomorrow evening. I can visit more people the, right.
I have most set to get a weekly digest of their entries. They all start coming in on Sunday and my phone beep, beep, beeps over and over again telling me that the digests have arrived.

I’m going to listen to my body, log off and sleep.  My mother’s voice is not welcome in my head.

February 5, 2017 9:36 pm EST

I know I’m not okay in my head. I know I’m still struggling. Dr. D will understand when he sees me this way tomorrow. I pack my lunch when I go see him because it’s a very long day. During the spring and summer we bring a little sunflower towel and we have a picnic on the lawn while we wait for the cab to come and get us. We find a lot of really neat rocks and pieces of tree that have fallen down. We found really great moss and brought it home. I’m going to go to sleep now.

Good night,
Ariel Lovely
February 5, 2017 – 10:51 pm EST

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