Subject: Feels like I’m going fast. Betty Homemaker. General neglect expected. Abandonment expected, survival mode, old coping skills, general feeling of distress.
I kept my head down and sketched. Fitful is the best way to explain my speech patterns. I was going fast and it felt as if I couldn’t really control my thoughts. I was a bit detached from myself. I kept thinking that Dr. D looks like his father more and more. My therapist’s Italian shoes are awesome! He’s dressing ‘the part’ now which is more than likely not something he has chosen. He’s not the type to care about clothing. Thank goodness he has someone who does; I’ve seen him without female supervision and it’s scary. As I spoke to him I thought of about Betty, Dr Yes and the office manager I also thought of Dr D’s special needs. He used to come in looking like he slept in his car. It was bad. All academic, he’s all academic. I can’t imagine what his house looked like before he remarried. My goodness.
I like Dr. D very much. 🙂
Okay, so Dr. D asked if I thought I could get Dr. Yes (my general practitioner) to assist when needed. That got a strong reaction inside. We will get what we need. When explaining the strong response we also explained a deep lack of confidence in doctors.
It doesn’t help that my mother said, “One day I’m going to kill you. I won’t be able to help myself.” I never believed her when she said a person becomes a doctor so they can cut on people legally. They want to stab and cut into the body without going to prison. The image I see in my head is of a dark room with a naked woman on a table. There’s a light over her abdomen but that’s all. The man is cutting slowly into the woman. I can see that. I can see the joy, the sexual gratification he gets from cutting her. He looks at her face. No other part of life gives him that satisfaction than to cut into the human body. That was the repeated narrative. Doctors do it and get paid, others do it and go to prison. The only part of this madness I believed was that she would in fact kill me.
My medical care has been dotted with serious neglect and several actions that could have resulted in serious harm. Because I don’t trust people to come through for me, I take steps to protect myself. Just like the child I was in a violent home, I have A plan, B and C. I stay in thinking mode, survival mode.
I don’t trust people to come through for me. I process today’s difficulties with yesterday’s ideology and survival techniques. What a lonely world it is when you feel you can’t trust anyone to come through for you. There’s an implied message there – it’s me against the world.
Not until I began reading blogs and boards did it become clear that many have been horribly neglected by medical professionals. With the idea that there’s something inherently bad about me, I thought medical neglect was because of me. I don’t count so why give good medical care to a dog? I expected crap and I got it.
Dr. D and I discussed the Betty situation in depth. He wonders if it will affect my friendship with Snow. I said I doubt it. We talked about how moving away from closeness with Betty is a bandade fix because I keep attaching myself to people who are varying degrees of my mother. In the past I dated emotionally manipulative women and I have consistently attached myself to women who are perfect on the outside but their eyes show a little something different. I no longer participate in a lesbian lifestyle so there’s no more worry about dating someone like my mother. However, until I come to terms with not having a safe mother figure, I will seek out another Betty. My heart craves something it can not have. When I stop seeking my mother so I can prove I’m lovable, prove I’m not a bad person, then and only then will I heal this Betty Syndrome. Online I call her Betty as in Betty Homemaker.
On the way to therapy the cab driver picked up another person. I jumped out of the car real quick to do something. A car passed us and I was called out of my name because of my headdress. Hmm. I just shake my head. How sad for those lost in their hate. Is it, I wonder, as bad as being lost in generalized mistrust?
I have to sleep, then I’ll visit blogs.
February 6th, 2017 – 3:46 pm EST