Betty: The Weeping Wall – Clueless and Damaged

I’m just a broken little girl trying to accept that a brick wall is a brick wall and nothing else. It will not become what I need it to be.

For my own record I write this out, stunned, pained, angry with her and angry at myself. I want to vomit.

I told her I feel she has a mean streak and her prejudice comments are hurtful. She passed it off as me being overly sensitive. She said, you hear things louder than other people (PTSD), maybe that’s the problem. I said, I’m sensitive but you are insensitive. You don’t see how your words and your behavior affect others.

When we got in the house I told her that we should try and talk again soon and not leave it where it is. She said, I’d rather do it now. Twice I suggested we wait but she said, no, lets do it now. I said, okay, I’ll put on some tea.

I’m officially and old woman. Sit. I’ll put on some tea. Here’s an afghan.

above written 8:28pm EST

I thought it might be best to go back to our undercurrent, a place she hasn’t thought of in forever, if she knew of its existence at all. We went way back to her being embarrassed that a black woman called her mom in public. She let me do it for three years. I thought I was finally someone’s daughter. I told her that she lead me on. She said, I didn’t want to hurt you. I said, you didn’t you know it would hurt when you told me its because I’m black? She said no. I said, you went on to say you see families one way, black mother and father, white mother and father and that nothing is going to change that. I said, you can’t see how that hurts?

After that comment I became someone from a long time ago who was so lonely she paid a person $30 cash to sit and watch TV with her. I was that girl again. I said to Betty, in my heart I still feel like you’re my mom. Why can’t I be your daughter? I just want to be loved. I want a name. I want to belong to someone. I just need to know I belong to a family unit. She shook her head no and said, I can’t change it.

I said, ya know, loneliness can break a bone. It hurts so bad it can break a bone. A desperate need to be loved is like crawling through a desert on your hands and knees. One illusion is all you need for a little bit of hope to verify that you’re worth loving. She said, I do love you. I said, I don’t doubt that, but it’s love at arms length. And you have told me I’m not your friend. I’m not your friend…and because of my skin color I’m not your family…. it hurts to not have family. I need to belong to someone and I don’t understand why it can’t be you.

She said I’m a private person, and you don’t need to know anything about me. I said, does that go for me, too, do you not need to know anything about me? She shrugged her shoulders and said, you can tell me anything you want. I said, a long time ago you asked me to stop telling you things about my childhood because you don’t want to know. She shrugged her shoulders. I said, and you don’t see how cold this is? You don’t see how your actions, your words can hurt a person?

She said, you’re very sensitive. i said, and you’re one of the most insensitive people I know. I said, so what does this mean? Where do we go from here? She said, I just won’t talk to you. I said, yeah, sure. I said, you’ve put down a barrier, point blank, I don’t need to know you. She reaffirmed that. We aren’t friends but you still want to take me to the store and the doctor? I said, are you just the cab driver now? I sit there and say nothing? She said no, not at all. I just looked at her and thought, my goodness……. you are clueless and I am damaged.

For my part, front and center, I’ve got to figure out how to let this go… not Betty…….that’s gone…..the need to have a parental figure…..I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to stop crawling through the desert from illusion to illusion.

February 7, 2017

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2 thoughts on “Betty: The Weeping Wall – Clueless and Damaged

  1. I am so sorry this woman is in your life. You deserve someone who truly loves you, not someone who is giving themselves points for helping someone out. I think this person does understand what you’re saying, unfortunately she just doesn’t care. I kept getting more and more angry as I read these three posts. This person is mean to the core and very self serving. She doesn’t seem capable of having a close relationship with anyone. I am sorry you have her in your life.

    1. Of course I can’t diagnose her but, there is something missing about this individual that others have, in addition to that, spiteful, angry, has little self awareness and near zero ability to express her emotions with others.

      She dotes on me then without warning strikes like a viper, then tells me that the strike was only seen as a strike because I’m overly sensitive. You can see that glimmer in her eye that she knows what she’s done.

      What I know from observation is that she has a serious inferiority complex that she hides by attempting to look perfect and appear mild and perfect to those around her.

      I don’t think she’s bad to the core or that she is evil. I think she’s got some serious issues that never saw the inside of a therapy setting when they should have.

      She holds a lot of anger and she needs people to see her as perfect.

      She’s dead wrong for her part in this situation. I’m not without fault, not just because I’m in need of a mother figure….that doesn’t excuse some of my very to the point and meant to sting responses. I am attempting to change so much about my life and live it better, but this here is a big stumbling block. I’ve slipped up and let in another toxic woman despite seeing the signs. I am still trying to reinvent myself, to work past having my life filled with individuals not going anywhere. This is unfortunate but its a good warning to me that the issue must be addressed in therapy on a regular basis so that I can continue to change the things about my life that kept me from growing.

      Thank you for your care and concern Cherished, it’s appreciated.

      I hope to have fewer roller coaster journal entries with topics such as this.


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