Each year I try to set a goal to work on life upgrades. I’ve set creative goals for 2017 (found on the sidebar) and I’ve set goals for therapy (on the side bar). One goal is to speak more kindly to myself; control my tendency for self-deprecation. I’m going to continue one of last years goals which is to improve my communication skills by not being so dogmatic and being able to listen to hear instead of listen to respond. Those goals don’t scare me nearly as much as the third which is to take steps in to ease my fear of water. It’s a complicated fear though. It’s PTSD and OCD wrapped together which makes a nasty little package.

It’s difficult to take a shower, harder to take a bath but once I’m in there I’m okay with the water but the OCD takes over and I’m ready to get the heck out of there. I’ve showered with the lights off and filled the room with enough lavender to cause sinus combustion. Washing the dishes is difficult because I can’t stand the water. I will not wash anything with chocolate on it. I hate red sauces on pans and cups. I just walk away from it. I changed my cooking ware to stuff that lets food slip right off it so I don’t have to see browns or reds. I got gloves at one point and closed my eyes. I’ve tried several things to get my dishes washed.

I used to swim as a child. My grandfather was proud of his little fish girl. lol. He said I’d never drown because of my ‘floaters’. Tis true, ’tis true, but at the time I was rather humiliated by it. Still, that wasn’t the moment water changed for me. My move to Florida where I lived with my uncle, aunt and cousin was a turning point with water. I’d been building up a distaste for it but living with them pushed things over the edge. It’s not been the same since.

I stood in the rain as a child and loved it. I played in puddles and loved it. Swimming at the lake, taking swimming lessons, doing a free float on my back and taking refuge in the silence under the water all disappeared. I used to take my 3-year-old brother swimming all the time. We’d picnic that day and share a peanut butter sandwich later. I loved laying on the boat in the sun. I loved sitting by the lake with the ducks looking at the stars. Those are good memories that live along side the bad. They will not be erased by the ugly.


written February 11, 2017 – 11:00pm EST

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