Subject: Went over entries about Betty behaving like a brick wall, went over near physical altercation and the trigger for it, talked about Robert not being present tomorrow because that amount of protective force isn’t needed with her. Talked about getting this information to all of us that Betty is no longer a safe person for us. Took responsibility for my own triggers and allowing her to act out over a period of time.
I went to sleep directly after therapy which I did not attend in person, however, I did read both entries concerning the situation with Betty. The most he said over the phone as I read was, “hm!”. I said, I can tell by the tone behind ‘hmm” that you recognize this is crazy? He said, yes. He asked if I was going to see her anymore I said, I’ll see her tomorrow. Enter the discussion about physical violence should she enter my space like she did a the store. I explained that Robert will not be with us on that trip to the hospital. It’s been set up for a while. I’ll be there a good bit of time. Transportation for follow ups is being worked on.
I told Dr. D that we have been going over in our head what needs to be done in order to make it to the hospital for treatment and then get home without going to jail. I find nothing humorous about the fact that I can be pushed the point of wanting to body slam another person for getting in my face. I wish there was more control than that. Dr. D asked what our safety plan is for dealing with her tomorrow. I said, I’ve been doing what I used to do with my mother, thinking ahead, planning my lack of emotional response to whatever she says. Any needling, any nagging, any missiles shot at me will not land her the expression she’s looking for. This is what I did with my biological mother, plan my steps ahead and do not respond emotionally.
Dr. D is quite upset about this situation. He said he figured it would end this badly. I said did you realize it could lead to violence? I said, Robert is a different type of protector than Morton and this is the first time since Morton integrated that Robert has seen a physical threat where he was wiling to respond physically. This is his first time and he made himself very clear. As a matter of fact Betty said she understood all the implications behind his tone. “Do … not…touch….me”.
On the outside looking in I’ve got to sound horrible. I said to Dr. D, I don’t yell. He said, I know. I said, I don’t hit. He said, I know. I said, but when she got in my face, my back was literally in a corner, literally. My left side was to the open freezer door, the wheelchair was behind me and she came up on the right side talking crazy IN MY FACE and then moved to touch me. Had her hand landed on my chest there is no doubt that this blog would sit empty for whatever criminal sentence I had to fulfill.
I have known that there is one of us willing to go beyond words to protect us when there is a perceived threat to our physical being. But what we see, what’s in our head, what our reality is does not match legal expectations. Our disorder will not keep us out of jail. Should jail be the only concern when dealing with physical violence? At this point, with limited time, yes, that’s what we’re focusing on, the legal consequences of having our PTSD symptoms get the best of us so that DID is triggered and we act in a violent manner. I will go to jail, there is no way around that and he gets that very well. Robert is not the young man of 20 years ago who was a threat to my physical and emotional safety. Robert is managing a household of individuals where none of us is over the age of 19. Robert is 19 years old running a household next to me, Jordan, who is also 19 years old. We are doing our best, we are.
In addition to being confident that Robert will not be present during hospitalization, a call was put in to Betty to talk to her about a few things. We needed, for her sake and mine, to specifically tell her not to lay her hands on me. She agreed it would be a bad idea. She then said she loves me. That type of love isn’t acceptable to me. You can’t love me ‘your own way’ and expect me to be okay with anything you toss to the dogs. She asked me if I forgive her. I said, eventually that will happen but please don’t make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness means there’s no more hurt. I said, I’m deeply hurt over the things you said. Just because a few days have passed doesn’t mean that’s all gone. I said you around I will by no means snub you, but I won’t fake it either. She said, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me. I said, tomorrow will be uncomfortable. There’s be no time at all for healing to begin because I’m still in the shocked and anger stage. I said, just don’t add to the hurt so I can speed up the healing process and feel comfortable when I see you around.
With that situation the other day, I wrote down as much as I could think of because there is more than one of me and we all need to know that an emotional divorce is needed and that we need to spend considerably less time confined in a car with her where our arguments spin out of control. I know this truth as does Robert and the 3 Ariel’s, but there are more, young ones, that don’t know that Betty is no longer emotionally safe for us. They’ll know in time as the entries are read to them.
written February 13, 2017 – 8:59pm EST