February is Suicide Awareness month.
People ask all the time, “How are you?” I say, I’m trying to manage. No hugs are shared. At that time I may not be in so much pain I can’t be touched but I still decline a hug. the truth is, i’m not okay. hardly ever am i okay.
as i write this i do so with my eyes closed so as not to see the words and judge them harshly before i can finish my sentence. i’m just letting it go, nothing to stop me, not even myself. at the end i’ll correct spelling and that’s all.
i was told that February is suicide awareness month. how strange to think of my existence in the last few months boiling into February with pain i didn’t think i’d live through. i honestly didn’t think my body was able to live through it, and if it did would i actually have the …the whatever, to lift myself of the bed and go back to life as usual? this isn’t usual, nor is it survivable. it feels as though it chips away at me, like i’m being eaten alive by fire ants. i’m watching them chew on nerve endings and there’s nothing i can do about it. that’s the easy part of this disease and its progression. the hard part is when the pain calms down and i look back at torn flesh and know i’m going to do it again and again and again. no, i’m not ok. i’m not ok at all.
for a month it has plagued me, this memory of what i just went through has plagued me and i want to run from it and from what will most certainly take place again. it’s like being a prisoner of war. it’s like being tortured and then the torturer leaves the room. you rest. you lived, but he’s coming back. i don’t know when but i know he’s coming back. so what do i do? i start to look around for ways to escape, ways to manage the abuse on my body. inside a cell of brick walls with no sunlight, where I’ve lived for however many days have been marked on the wall, that’s where i’ll exist until he kills me or until i kill myself.
i knew where i was with thoughts of suicide and i talked to my medical doctors about it. i talked to my psychologist Dr. D about it. I talked to my closest friends about it. i didn’t shut up because i needed someone to help me because i knew what road my mind had taken. i knew for certain the very real possibility of taking my escape. that thought has plagued me for nearly a month.
9:45pm EST 2/26/17