they say when a person says they want to commit suicide that it’s a cry for help, that they don’t really want to die. that’s true. i cried as loudly as possible. i’m not okay. help me. i’m not okay.
February is nearly over and i’m still here. i nearly didn’t survive it. had it not been for answers to my calls for help i may notÂ have been here to look people in the face and say, i’m fine.
what a ride this has been in a body with no armor traversing through emotional warfare. the disease let my body live but left my mind to rot. (eyes open at this point)
i took the diagnosis of CRSD very hard. i’d never heard of it. it made sense to me once it was explained. but i promised myself i wouldn’t look up information on it. i promised i wouldn’t study it because i want to be able to give the doctor a report from me and be able to say 100%, this is from me. I didn’t read it somewhere. I’m paranoid about not being believed.
not looking up information feels like i have a secure and confirmed set of symptoms, symptoms not attached by association. I did the same thing with my mental health disorder. I have not read up on Dissociative Identity Disorder which was first called Multiple Personality Disorder. I refused to. I know many with the disorder but as far as studying it, nope. I’ve read 2 books. I’ve read When Rabbit Howls and I’ve read DID From the Inside Out. That’s it. Every time I did a speaking engagement for a class at the university they were aware that i could only speak for myself and my experiences. Having been diagnosed in 1992, I’m an expert on my own dysfunction.
PTSD is a whole different ball game. I’ve read as much as possible. I’m incredibly amazed at the toll PTSD takes on one’s biological make up. That’s the part of that ‘fascinates’ me the most, the chemistry of it, the biological impact it has on the human body.Â PTSD isn’t just a disease of the mind.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brings meÂ right back to where I started this entry. I’m traumatized by the events that took place with my body. My psychologist confirmed that a person can be traumatized by chronic illness or sudden illness with severe pain. Post, after, following, at the end of the life altering event the trauma is still felt and interferes with the ability to function day by day.Â The interference in my life was long and brutal, and it left me with only one real choice, to tell the truth that i’m not fine.
At this point I’m in the middle of the road. Things could turn left or right, but no matter which way I turn I have solid support to help me keep going, when i don’t think i can anymore.
I’m still here.
11:30pm EST 2/26/17