Self Destruction. Self Injury.

I woke today around 6 am. I watched a video on my tablet about King Hezekiah. Love that video. I held the tablet in one hand while Mary Jane placed herself in front of it and on my chest. I started listening only. She moved to my cheek and neck, stretched out and took her place to sleep. I couldn’t deny that closeness, body pain or not I loved every single second of it.

We laid there for a while with her sleeping. Right now she’s taken her regular spot behind me when I’m on the computer. The girl is the best companion I could have. 🙂 She has her days where its clear she doesn’t feel well because of the dental stuff but there are also times when she’s her normal cuddly self who will later get into trouble and thoroughly love it.

I talked to Snow about how I’m still feeling. It has to be hard to hear me say I want to cut my arms to shreds, cut my thighs to shreds, just cut and keep cutting. I’m angry and I’m pretty tired.

I either sleep a lot or not much at all.

I want to run. rip.

Saying that to someone who has no experience with hearing such things must surely be alarming, but i talk to Snow because she’s my friend, non-judgmental.

My sister and brother weigh heavily on my heart which turns to anger toward my mother.

My plan is to make today different from yesterday. The difference is the word plan. Activities will remain loose, but totally left to chance.

Me, Jordan

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