The video is a quickly thrown together sound bite with several art pieces that fit the topic. Death of my brother as well as sexual abuse, suicidal ideation and self harm (cutting) are discussed along side art stills. Close to the end of the video one photo of a box of crayons is seen for several seconds, then the video ends. That crayon photograph marks a detailed discussion of first being abused.

Life without Crayons

No coloring books
No cousin to first touch as I held gray
to fill in a cat who chased
but never caught the mouse.
No crayons would mean no dowel rods on my three year old body because
liberties were taken.
Life without crayons would never ask if
dowel rods broke before my mind had to.

Life did change that day. She saw me differently. Whatever she didn’t beat out of me that day made her violently mad until I left home.

Dr. D and I talked about shutting my hand in the cracked window of the car door and driving away. We talked about being chased with the car. The only place I’m claustrophobic is in a car.

The hands were always subject to punishment. Rolled up in the window of the car, the palms beaten with a dowel rod. She smelled my hands to make sure I hadn’t touched myself.

Before I left Dr. D asked if I felt safe enough to come home. I said yes. I appreciate that he trusts me. We have an agreement, always tell the truth.


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