I’m a little slow in thought and somewhat medicated.
A few years ago one of my alters suggested we take a photograph of ourselves each month. She said to do it on the 17th and that’s exactly what we’ve done. It’s to give us a clearer view of ourselves, to break from old negative messages.
Without a photo in front of me, what do I think I look like? I feel………. and there’s the challenge. The truth of what I look like is based on categories like, 5’4, African-American, plus size, brown eyes, brown hair, not feelings. That’s what I look like but what I feel I look like is totally different. And that’s what the photos are supposed to do, stop the shaming and see myself better. Stop ‘seeing’ me in phrases like I feel small, I feel like an elephant. I feel stupid.
I am still working on how I speak to myself and how I view myself. I’m still working on splitting up feelings based on truth and feelings based on shame and self loathing.
A photograph of on the 17th of each month doesn’t have my face with red inked letters that spell out ‘bad’ so why should I include that word when describing my appearance?