He saw my frustration lead to growling and hitting myself in the head. It happened so fast and resulted in embarrassment. He didn’t say a word. He acted like nothing happened.

I kept trying to talk to the man who watched me hit myself in the head then switch personalities back to an older version of me. I watched this take place as if I were hovering above myself just a little bit. I wanted to talk to him and try to understand. I wanted to hear his words as more than gibberish but it wasn’t working, they stopped 5 inches from my face. I looked at him through fog and then started rocking. It took quite a bit to get grounded enough to understand what he was saying. It’s just not been a good head day.

I’m going to take some Passion Flower tincture and go to sleep. My tincture turned out really well.

I brushed Jane. I didn’t eat. I answered the phone twice but other than that I just didn’t want contact with anyone.

I was talking on the phone to a friend in Punjab who thought it was absolutely hilarious and absurd that Jehovah’s Witnesses are labeled extremists in Russia. He’s not a witness but he too can see that this is simply absurd. No, we don’t slap people with Watchtowers!

I made hot chocolate. I found the good kind at Kroger. I’m going to get more. I see Snow Thursday and Friday.

I’m overwhelmed by bills right now. It’s funny because I don’t have bills, that’s something others have but now I’ve got bills and I feel the weight of them on my shoulders. What’s interesting is that it’s around $150 but it’s in 4 different locations which feels like a lot to a person who takes great care to live within her means.

It seems silly to be so upset over this amount but I honestly feel almost crushed by it because I can’t pay it which isn’t the worst thing in the world… it’s just that ……..It feels irresponsible, like a failure on my part to have debt. The new fish tank…..I can’t justify spending $20 on a fish tank when I’ve got medical bills from my rheumatologist and left over bills from this winter plus Jane’s medical. I’ll have to catch the sale some other time. They do it several times a year.

It feels like the sky has fallen on me. I know it sounds trivial. I know people have more debt but I don’t think the amount is what should be compared, its the stress of figuring out how to rob Peter to pay Paul. No matter a person’s debt mountain, the weight on our shoulders is a valid stress….and I’m feeling stressed…….

Inner criticism and insane have made this day an exhausting tribulation.

It’s been a good month of sales so far so that’s good.

Oh yeah. I’m failing French and I’m okay with it. Seriously, I hate studying that language. My heart isn’t in it. I got a Monday tutor and began watching French films provided. I listened to French music and began making associations to remember this dreaded language. I’m over it. I dropped it. In September I’ll begin Spanish which I see ending successfully. American Sign Language is going well. I have about 2 months left in my personal Bible instruction lead by Snow.

I feel stretched thin. I have to remember that I’m on disability for a reason.


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