I have a Ph.D in worrying. I have what I need for this month. I’m not in a collection status on anything so why I flip out over money is beyond me.

I heard from that girl again. While at the grocery store I received another round of cruelty from the visitor I had weeks ago. I don’t know her that well and will keep it that way. I like helping people otherwise I wouldn’t go through training to do so, but that’s not my field. I didn’t sign up for that. For someone who hardly knows me and me her, she sure is able to hit on issues that sting and leave a mark. She knows exactly where to direct those missiles. Liar. Manipulative, attention seeker, no one likes me, no manners, a bad daughter, crazy, evil, ungrateful . She told me I need to get on my knees and grovel. I need to be able to take a slap from someone sometimes and let myself be corrected.

Chil u ’bout 2 drive me ta drinkin’.

I was at the grocery store getting bombarded with texts about how horrible of a person I am…. I’ve got 99 problems but not knowing how to block a phone number isn’t one!

Ya know, words hurt. Words hurt even when the words are from a stranger. They hurt when said by a person who may not be fully responsible for their actions. ‘You’ might wonder what I said in response. I’m pretty good at running off at the mouth but that’s something I’m trying to change, too. There was no reason to respond to such texts. I’m learning that I don’t have to speak and that sometimes its best not to. I was mad for sure but mad doesn’t justify adding fuel to the fire. I am trying to upgrade my life my controlling my tongue. I’m a student of life with so much to learn.

I don’t like to name call. I say on this blog that people are terminally stupid and so-in-so is a jackass, but I absolutely never say it to anyone’s face because WORDS HURT! 

I wasn’t expecting to hear from her again. I was hoping to eventually work through the first onslaught. I had a set back and had an issue with self harm. I want this time to be different. I want to be able to say, okay, you messed up the other time but you have better choices. You don’t have to take these words to heart. She’s wrong and the woman who gave birth to you is wrong. You weren’t a bad daughter and you’re not bad now. Yes, words hurt but I don’t have to let them sink so far in. I don’t have to self destruct. I don’t have to punish myself.

The other day when there was self harm I did so feeling terrible about myself. I felt like a bad person, an unlovable person who once again made someone hate me. I felt I needed to pay for that. Once paid for it with self harm I could move on…and I did. There’s something my mother used to say, she used to say once she finished using the dowel rods on us that we had a clean slate before her. We could start all over from scratch as if nothing ever happened. She said it was like a chalk board being erased. Pain was the eraser; it was the price paid to be clean again. ……..

I have no idea what my dreams will be tonight but of one thing I am certain, I’m on safe mode. This is going to sound strange but, I’m going to do that night over again. I’m going to watch the same movie, eat the same great pizza but leave out inviting over friends who bring along friends. It’s just me this time. Girl’s night party of one. Saturday it is.

I mentioned diminished culpability. Since I don’t know this person very well, I’m not certain if her behavior is due to her Bipolar mania and or if this is the real her. Not knowing, I don’t hold her fully accountable for her actions, but I won’t stand in the line of fire either. Not holding a grudge (aka forgiving someone) doesn’t mean I have to continue to let myself be harmed.  Now that her contribution to my issues is over, it’s on me to move forward. Let Saturday roll in, and bring on the pizza.

There’s a dollhouse update I need to get to soon.


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2 thoughts on “The Price of Being Clean

  1. I always find it empowering to not speak when people talk mean to me. In person I turn and walk away. In text, I block. Sure don’t blame you for that. Im sorry her words hurt you. I’d tell you they aren’t true but you know that already, I hope.

  2. It’s not necessary to always respond when people challenge you. That’s something I’m trying to remind myself again and again…. The tongue is a strong weapon for war and for peace.

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