Content : Suicide, abuse, held captive
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I have to remember the bigger picture. I can’t get distracted or tangled in the limbs of one tree and forget the forest.
I’m going to scream. I’m going to drown. I’m going to fall. I want to say I’ll never ever become suicidal again but I can’t promise that, but I can promise that I will seek help. I will reach out. I will not take my life.
I wish she knew that I understand the feeling of abandonment and confusion. Where do you fit in without our mother? How do you go about your life without her commanding each step? I even wondered if I’d stop breathing if I crossed states lines. Would I just poof and disappear? It was like I’d crossed over the invisible line that kept me alive. The only thing that made sense was that I’d disappear, poof, gone. Sister, I’ve crossed many state lines and set my own boundaries, never once did I stop living. You can live without our mother’s influence.
I’ve been out of that house for so long so I speak from experience but also from a distance. I know that you’re scared and not sure what to do. I know it’s like being born in prison and growing up with prison rules then suddenly the walls fall and you’re supposed to know what to do in a world without guards, without structure someone else built. There’s a sense of being pulled in every direction by your shirt, pants, hair. You want to grab on to them and scream at the top of your lungs because all this stimulation makes no sense….and it eats at you.
I know the lost feeling. I know what it feels like to try to see the world through broken glasses with blood smears. You try to make sense of everything around you that is in complete opposition to what our mother said it was. That’s so hard to do, to try to live according to rules you were given then find out that’s not how things work. It’s more than culture shock, it’s like coming from a dark, wet cave you grew up in then being thrown in the middle of Time Square.
The hardest thing you’ll ever do is relearn reality.
You’ll fight the new reality tooth and nail because you were conditioned to think and behave different. In the beginning you won’t trust and you’ll feel like no one is going to accept you, not Black people, not white people, not Africans, no one. You were raised to believe you don’t belong.
You have incorrect ideas of what women are and how bad men are. You’ll struggle to see yourself as beautiful and whole.
Not only will change hurt, but knowing you were lied to will hurt.
I suffer still but I’ve had a taste of freedom and I’ve seen reality for the first time without blood stained spectacles. Heck yes this life is painful, it’s going to be. What we endured was horrific. It’s the stuff you see on TV, yet it’s our truth………. and Sister, that truth still belongs to you but so does your absolute right to reality and life.
You do not ‘deserve to die’. You are not guilty of a crime. You are human. You couldn’t prevent her death. You couldn’t prevent the judicial system from appointing two demons called aunts from removing her from your home. You tried! You tried for years and years to manage that life but you do not and did not have the power to prevent or foresee the ending.
I see flashes of what it must have been like for you, and the thought is scary. It’s like a horror film. I’m so sorry. I’m really, really sorry!!!
I know this hand you were dealt feels impossible to play but I’m begging you not to fold.
I wish you knew. I wish you could hear me. I wish I could tell you to rethink this. I know its selfish but I’m begging you not to leave me. Don’t do this.
April 14, 2017 6:21pm EST
This entry ends with Spinning. Saying My Peace.