I’m sorry I didn’t sit down and study or answer the phone or write a letter that needs to get out. I’m sorry I didn’t do the laundry or get a shower. I had a long lavender bath last night but I planned one for today.

I’ve been running from anger, depression and from physical pain.

I wasn’t supposed to be the one to take calls yesterday but I did. I feel useful when I’m able to talk to someone who has chronic pain and just be there with them through it.

I sit here wanting to type more but I keep putting my hands to cover my race as I rock back and forth with anxiety. I’m walking the path to depression. My body hurts because it’s ill but it also hurts because I can’t stand that he’s gone. I can’t stand it. I can’t seem to get my sister out of my head and I can’t stop thinking of the mistakes I made so I ran.

I pulled back the locks, put on a baseball cap, grabbed my cane and when for a walk. It was cold out there but I just kept walking. I have to consider the distance back so I can’t just walk and walk. Despite the pain I just kept walking. I found some moss, followed the design of bark with my fingers and looked at potato bugs scurry under stripped bark where teens scratched their name. They destroyed that tree. There’s about 3 feet by 3 feet of bark stripped from the trunk. The tree is huge, beautiful….and now scared.

Every muscle in my body hurts. Yesterday I was in traction when the person called to talk. I did my stretches, everything I’m supposed to do..and yet my body hurts from head to toe, my eyelids hurt. despite the hour, I’m going to take a bath. I think the water may even help me cry. Why do women do that in the movies, take a bath with a glass of wine and cry? I’m not having wine, just lavender and homemade bath bombs. Can I still use that word this day and age? Bath salts are illegal……I’m rambling. They’re lavender and rorsemary bath bombs.

If it were at all possible I’d cancel tomorrow.


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