May is the one year mark of the death of my brother and mother. I found out in June of 2016 but they died in May.  This is another reason I’ll be playing it really close to the vest. I feel so …. thin…..fragile.

Through this whole issue of grief, I will be many things. I’ll be a minute to minute survivor. I’ll be angry, grieved, at peace, wordy, creative, exhausted and a million other things. I wish I could say that things will go back to settled but they won’t. It’s impossible for me to fathom normal with that baby gone. I can’t imagine normal but I can hope for settled with less gut wrenching pain.

I hope to understand the process of grief a little more and maybe one of these days I’ll get around to being able to deal with the mother, for now I keep most of that boxed up and very far from my eyes. I tell ya, I’m not strong. I’m not. My God this is cruel.

May or June, which ever one….marks a time when everything turned upside down. I’ll get that violin. It’s top on my list. There’s so much to say.

Pity. grief. shame. agony. anger. confusion. guilt. disbelief, denial, love. hurt. despair. That’s what falls from my eyes when I think of my mother. From there I can not touch it.

5/14/17 – 8 pm EST

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