Content: Brother’s suicide, anger, powerlessness, the complexities of death
The day didn’t pass without painting. I tried to focus on something other than life issues and lay color on paper. It felt good to do so.
I’d been sipping Chamomile Bloom to keep myself calm which meant I wasn’t in hysterics at the time of my appointment. We talked about my brother quite a bit and about how hard this has been to lose him. In the last 5 years this is the second suicide I’ve dealt with and the third of my lifetime. My brother’s suicide, his death is unbelievably hard.
I said that I understand he was just human. I understand that he had a breaking point but I wonder if he thought for just a second about the students he left behind, about the suffering of anyone else? And yet I know when my pain levels rise too high I can no longer say I’m safe. I don’t think about how others will respond. I don’t think, I can’t think. I only want to get out of my skin. So I can’t say I’m without understanding of being on one’s last bit of rope. I do understand. I also understand the complete betrayal one feels standing on the other end of death. It’s complicated.
He asked if I think about my sister a lot. Yes, every day..but not every second of every day. I have given her all the space she needs from me. I have no updates on her though. I am still committed to an emotional divorce so I can heal from …..so I can heal. It’s hard to walk away from a fantasy. I’m not going to get the sister I need and I have to walk away even when life is threatened. I can’t swoop in and try to save her bc I’ll be sucked back in to being her emotional punching bag and sucked back in to believing that somehow I can win her approval and we can be sisters and friends. That isn’t true. It’s a fantasy and I have to let it go, even when things get scary with her.
We talked about steroids and feeling like an ugly hippo. I feel disgusting and huge. I feel embarrassed. I know my other meds increase my appetite and that the steroids just pack it on a person. I know this, but I still feel huge and ugly.
We talked about Snow saying she really wants a sister she can connect with and that she’d like that person to be me. I am afraid of it. It comes on the heels of losing my brother and of her own sister Betty out right rejecting me with a cruel bombshell. I don’t trust it. I don’t want family. I’ll take intimate friends but family is too much for me. I didn’t tell her no. How could I? But I will never slap her in the face with rejection, especially when I know what the need is she’s trying to fill. Who knows, maybe sometime down the line I’ll feel safer about someone telling me they want me as family.
We talked about not feeling much sympathy for my mother at times. There’s a lot of anger directed at her. Had she not been cruel she would have had two daughters that loved her for her. I would have been a good daughter not an obedient servant. What may have happened had she not been sadistic is another fantasy that has to go up in smoke. It’s another letter for the violin. I’m really looking forward to snagging one from Ebay.
Dr. D said we’d talked about quite a bit during the session and that he can see my mind is taxed and on edge. His voice was comforting.
I had an incredible amount of support yesterday and this morning. It’s appreciated.
I am physically exhausted, but I am not without hope. I know it’s okay to fall and need help getting up. When my head is down, when I cry uncontrollably, when my body is attacked by pain, I still have hope. I know that.
I’m tired. I’m going to bed.
9:05 pm EST