I didn’t know that grief would be accompanied by desperation to fill empty spaces. I used to require silence. It helped keep me calm so as not to be overwhelmed by stimuli. I now need to hear some type of program, film, theater, something. I need background noise to break the silence. Now, in silence, my head goes on and on. I go over all my mistakes and failings. I think and think some more.
It’s not just that I need noise in the background to break the stream of thoughts, there’s a specific noise I need. I need to hear a male voice more than a female voice. My anxiety remains sky-high and my attention span is short so I do well with 45 min TV shows and such. Two hour films feel like a commitment. Most of the time I don’t sit and watch the show, I’m up tinkering with this and that, cleaning, pacing.
I didn’t realize how much blame is added to his death. It’s humorous that his grandmother (not my mother) feels no guilt for the cruelty she slapped him with before he died. She’s smoothed it over in her head. Nope. You can’t cover that up. It was profoundly immoral.
I had no idea I’d blame the world for his death. I say the world but in my head I don’t see anything, it’s just some invisible thing I call the world. I can’t see individuals, it’s all too abstract. It’s just a generic world I’m mad at for having the audacity to keep on spinning as if nothing happened. I want to scream at a generic idea of people and ask: What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that we’ve lost him, that he’s gone? Why are you going on with life as if nothing happened. The anger I feel over their insolence is directed at faceless people, intangible earth. I’m angry at ‘everyone’ on ‘earth’ for not stopping. Continuing on seems to say he didn’t matter. I tell you, he did.
This idea that the world should have stopped tells me I have a view of my brother that isn’t right. When he was alive I didn’t think that the world should step aside so he could walk, but then my heart wasn’t full of agony either. Perhaps what I’m doing is screaming to this generic world that I can’t keep spinning, I can’t balance my atmosphere with him gone. I’m spinning aimlessly.
The world moves forward but I feel stuck.
4:27pm EST May 26, 2017