Saturday went well. The meal was nice but I skipped the wine and kept with tea. The movie was good and had no surprises or triggers since I knew what to expect. Tonight was baked tilapia, veggie wonton and steamed broccoli. It was good. Monday evening is tandoori chicken. It’s chicken and spices in a baking dish inside my little oven.  I love my convection oven. To finally get some good food in me is a positive step.

The landlord came the other day to inspect the apartment but she did not bring a lease. As a matter of fact she looked at me and said she’ll get it together when she’s good and ready. I don’t trust that she’s going to provide a lease. I have a feeling she’ll present me with a court date. If she does I’ll show up to that court date to contest the eviction.

I’ve heard nothing at all from the owner, not a thing.

My anxiety over the situation has dropped significantly. I can’t worry about what might happen. I need to prepare, use my resources and force recognition of my rights,  but I need not swim in what might happen. I do not have the energy to do so. 

Yesterday was a nice day as far as getting a hot meal in me but the night was horrible for pain. I was worried the neighbors would call the police on me. Sometimes when the pain gets too high I scream. I don’t intend to but the spasms are horrible. It’s been a long time since I’ve slept in my brace but I need to. I’m hurting over here. This is awful.

Sometimes my meds work and other times they don’t. Sometimes the tinctures are enough to ease the pain, other times they don’t help. I never really know what’s going to work. I’ve done my stretches today and fell asleep during cervical traction. It really helped relieve the pain in my neck and shoulders. I don’t know how long I was asleep but I was rigged up and feeling less pain. Here we go, steroids, round two!!!

I’m heading in very early tonight. For a bit there, I stayed awake until the sun came up. It felt safe to sleep then. It’s been difficult emotionally and physically which means I’m still tired.

The girl that’s coming tomorrow also has Lupus. She’s so sweet. She’s 30 and asks me all kinds of questions about Lupus. How strange to have someone younger see me as older. She’s a friend and part of the group I work with. Ya know, it’s interesting to have a shift in how I see myself but it’s even more interesting when the general public puts you in a different social category. This is the kind of growing older I want to embrace. These moments where I realize how I feel about my age and discover my changing role in society. That’s neat.

For a few years I hung around older ladies seeking a good role model and friendship, but I realized there’s a strong need for friendship with people my age. Some new friendships have been good and others ended in catastrophe but it’s nice to take these steps. I see changes in this stage of my life as a prize. .

I know my body is wrecked, my mind is often mangled and my heart is desperate, but there are moments where I breathe easier and feel peace. These moments are prizes I will keep so when things get ugly I’ll remember that possibilities are around the corner. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, I just know that right now I feel very supported and very pleased to be of use to my friends and my community.

Jane is beside me as always. The other critters are good. Time to sleep.


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