I said I go to bed when the sun comes up and I don’t want to feel bad about it. I don’t sleep on a schedule and I don’t want to feel bad about it. Dinner sometimes isn’t done cooking until as late as 9 pm but I’m eating better. I’m cooking and enjoying it. I went from lamb to pizza to white chili to Philly steak and cheese here at home at a fraction of what it would cost out. I’m needing some a strong curry in my life right now so that’s on tonight’s schedule. Tomorrow is Tabbouleh. I have to tell myself that what’s normal for others isn’t a standard I have to live up to. I may be up all night but I’m not idle.
We talked about the retirement of my psychiatrist. I broke it to the psychiatrist that I won’t be back to see her because she only works 2 day a week and I don’t have transportation on those two days. She told me that some people take cabs from different parts of the state. I said, ok. It’s not available to me. She said to call the Redcross. The Redcross? I wasn’t in the room to slap her! This is the same woman who said murders are some of the nicest people you could ever meet. One might wonder why I kept seeing this maniac. Some may have stopped reading at that admission knowing that continuing to see her makes me complicit in the lack of good care…. and they’d be right. If you just pictured yourself slapping me you’d be justified! Anything off beat that took place in her office after that is on me cause I knew she wasn’t right! lol Yeah, she said it several years ago. She worked for the prison system and met many murderers.
It’s not as if I trusted her with my mental health. We don’t talk about much. I was there less than 15 min to get scripts. She gives me Cymbalta and Klonopin, period. While my GP could prescribe Cymbalta, he won’t. He says he wants me to see a psychiatrist for meds. Evidently I need stronger meds since I stayed with this psychiatrist. …. She was convenient. I’m only on 2 meds from her and she’s in the same building as my long term psychologist, Dr. D.
I’ve been on so many different medications and can’t manage the side effects. I know I need something to deal with my OCD because I can see it’s getting out of hand again. My mother’s OCD was fierce and my sister has issues with it. Mostly my OCD is focused on restrooms, water and the living room.
Dr. D and I are holding off on the PTSD issues associated with water. That’s a bit much to work on right now.
3:45 pm EST