Content: Emotionally worn out. Feeling subhuman. The need to be held. PTSD and homelessness,
I feel the need for a lot of validation and reassurance. Am I okay? Am I going to be okay? Is it stupid to feel xyz?
I was sketching last night and had a thought that I wished my mother could see some of my art. The thing is, she’d hate it and I know that. One part of me says its to tell her, “Look, I can do this.” Another part is that I need her to dislike it. She would tell me the quality is good but the subject matter is depressing as always. In my head I’d remind her that she fuels most of the depressing subjects, thank you very much. That leads me to letters I wrote to her as a kid. I wonder if she still has them. I wrote only in German when writing to her, never, ever English or Spanish. She would tell me how negative the letters were. I’d tell her they aren’t negative, they’re pleadings from your daughter who wants you to understand that she’s struggling. She never heard it that way. She just said I focus only on the negative.
I am who I am.
Dr. D and I discussed my need to feel human. There are times when pain makes me feel like an alien, a freak. When I can’t be touched I begin to lose the sense of being real, of being human. I’m just existing in mind bending pain and not even the cat can touch me. It’s been a very, very long time and I need someone to lay on me and let me hang on. I need to feel the pressure of another human being on me. I need to feel that connection, feel them breathe…..just hang on like it means my life.
In session Dr. D and I discussed the lack of security I feel in my apartment. I’m going to be here at least another year but I wonder if I’ll feel comfortable again, settled and able to continue a pattern of growth? We talked about how triggering it has been to think I may have to store my stuff in one of those cold, cement, prison dungeons cells they call paid storage. There have been quite a few triggers associated with the manager’s antics.
As a kid we’d leave very quickly If child protection was at her heels. I got to hear all about how that was my fault. I’m the evil child with the sword that you had to endure me, right? We’d leave so fast that packing wasn’t an option. I got to the point that I kept a go bag or I eyed my belongings and made a mental note of what to grab when she said it was time to go. The item I seem to grieve the most anymore is that telescope I had to walk away from. It hurt to walk away from three very beautiful Encyclopedia collections. It hurt to walk away from my jukebox, from my plants and the tree in my bedroom. It hurt to walk away from beautiful oil paintings on her walls. When we’d finally get an apartment or something we’d go get new stuff. She often took us on shopping sprees, “Get what you want.” I stopped liking my belongings so I didn’t feel so upset when they were left behind.
I remember one night trying to fall asleep in the backseat. She was in the front seat but I’m not certain where my sister was. As we lay there she said, “If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?” I said, “I wouldn’t sleep in the back of a Cutlass Supreme.” She loved her cars, and that bad boy was tricked out, but it didn’t sleep well.
Though I have been triggered by this ‘boil the bunny’ apartment manager, I can be confident of one thing; I won’t ever have to sleep in a car again or on the street or in the gymnasium of a public school or behind bushes, in a cold basement. I will never again trade myself for food or a hot shower. That horror is over, of that I am certain. I’m an adult with a strong support system and many resources. That horror is over.
As we talked on the phone, Dr. D asked me to verbally identify my emotions concerning the topics discussed. He said I seemed calm and together. I said, I have tears running down my face. I feel sad. My pain is high right now because a different weather system is moving in. For good or bad weather, it doesn’t matter. When it changes I hurt. I said, I feel lonely and deeply saddened by losing my brother. I told him that I feel the need to run away and that I feel like a yo-yo bouncing up and down from manageable to feeling like I can’t stand another second of life.
There is a lot lost when therapy is over the phone instead of in person. I’m happy Snow will take me to see Dr. D twice a month starting next month. Now that makes me smile. Robert will have his time in those sessions as we agreed. That doesn’t just make me smile, it makes me happy. After all this time Robert finally gets to sit in therapy and speak.
6-12-17-7:03 pm EST