Emery spoke up. She told Dr. D about what happened outside the restroom window then read him the piece of writing we did to release anxiety concerning recent violence and past violence. She read the entire story and cried while doing so. (Here I am again sitting up after hiding my face in my hands.) Reading that story to myself is one thing but reading it out loud felt even more intense. He agreed it was an intense and emotional piece of writing. He agreed that I made the right decision to stay secured in the apartment while yelling for the people to stop fighting. He understood the trigger.
As if there aren’t enough therapy assignments, I am to paint the emotional response to my brother being beaten at age three as well as my present day emotion concerning his death. In all, there are 4 paintings whose design is to help desensitize trauma.
As I type this I am still very tired and struggling to keep my eyes open. I hope this entry makes some kind of sense.
Reading the story out loud was painful and helpful. I remember thinking, dang, this story is good, too bad it’s based on real events. I liked some of the imagery.
He asked if I feel suicidal. I said no. He asked about self injury impulses and I said yes but I’ve been watchful, proactive in preventing triggers. One major thing I do is make sure my meds aren’t close to my bed. They don’t sit out in the open, either. I set up each dose in a small clay bowl then put the bottles in a basket with a doll made to cover the basket. The amount of PRN’s allowable are in a different little clay bowl. By my bed I have a small container of colored pencils and various kinds of markers. In general I use an x-acto knife to sharpen my pencils but I only use that blade in the studio area. By the bed I use a pencil sharpener. Doing this removes a ready to use instrument for self harm.
I have a hard time taking anti-anxiety medications. I forget. In order to have relief ready at any time, I have a small bottle and dropper of Passion Flower tincture I made here. That stuff really does work. I put it under my tongue and let it enter my blood stream that way. This helps a lot. For hormonal issues I have certain teas which I believe to be helpful.
I have to stop because I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m maxed out and my body says its time to stop and sleep so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m so hungry through. I have some little quiche I can eat before I lie down. This feeling of extreme fatigue is a signal, a symptom, not the main problem. My body is crashing after being cut on every Tuesday and from fighting infection. My body has had enough for a bit.
I hope something made sense. My eyes are crossing I’m so tired. In a few days I’ll go back and read these entries. Hopefully I don’t sound too out of it. It’s interesting, as I drift off I hear the alter personalities talking. I can’t catch what they say but there’s a lot of chatter back there.