My head feels a little more stable than it was a few days ago.

I got a letter from my GP saying he will no longer work with me. This is the GP that made it very difficult to show up to appointments because he acted like he didn’t want to be in the same room with me. I’ve talked about him a lot on this blog so I won’t recount all the difficulties but I will say that it’s a slap in the face.

I will also concede that I was wrong to leave the type of message I did. It was forceful. I asked her to explain why she can’t get my meds right, the meds I’ve had for several years. I said, you first made a math error but now what’s this error? I wasn’t polite but again, I didn’t yell or name call. I asked why they talked to my dentist when I didn’t sign anything saying they could talk. I remember leaving that message and I remember thinking that I couldn’t stop talking. I could see myself very animated but I couldn’t stop. I won’t say if it was a medical situation or mental health because I don’t know. I don’t normally leave confrontational voice messages. I don’t normally call the nurse on her crap without tact. I feel like I got kicked out for doing that and it makes me angry that for two years I dealt with his attitude but he couldn’t manage to recognize my issue.

A day after sending a voice message the GP’s nurse called. She fixed her med mistake. We got to talking about the GP giving me Cymbalta because my psychiatrist is retiring. There’s no reason to get a psychiatrist just to get Cymbalta. We talked about having a psychiatrist in the network of my GP and how that would give the GP access to any notes taken. I told the nurse that my GP hasn’t earned my trust to have any information concerning my mental health. The phone call ended politely but I received the exit letter a few days later.

I’m not going to debate blame for this forced ending to a less than professional relationship, but I do want to say this: I’m different. I can be difficult but I still need good medical care. I am emotional in the sessions because the doctor has to touch me and it hurts. Also, sitting in the doctor’s office feels like a my denial blinds have been lifted. At least out side the office I have a measure of time where I’m not thinking of my body and what has been lost, but being in that office is different. I know why I’m there. I know that faking a smile isn’t going to work. I feel vulnerable and I just cry.

You’re trained to know what patients go through with these type physical conditions. You are trained, therefore you know how physical health problems can change our ability to see matters clearly. You are trained to recognize when a patient is in a medical crisis, and you gave an oath to help.

Perhaps the doctor should assess the chronically ill patient and give an opinion concerning long term therapies that are traumatic for the body.

I swear I’m trying to balance things. I’m trying to …….I’m trying.

I’ll learn from this. I will definitely take lessons from this.

I am a woman trying to manage DID and PTSD. I have an autoimmune disease and a chronic pain disorder. I need medical care from a person who recognizes the need for kindness, not a cold shoulder. I will interview my next GP and hope things go better.

I am currently in a medical crisis. I have Lupus and CRSD and I’ve had trauma to my mouth several weeks in a row. Dental work like this, along with two extractions is trauma to the body. And yes, I became unstable. Anyone that knows a single thing about Lupus knows the mind will …..get messed up…. when the body is put under great stress and trauma. My GP gave no grace for this matter.

This is madness. Due to the complexities of my madness, being fired by a doctor isn’t new. This won’t be the last time it happens.

With my mental health disorder, there are occasions where I lose time. It could be minutes, hours or days. When I ‘come back’ there’s damage control to do. Damage control this time is getting laundry done and tidying up the apartment. What took place with the GP isn’t included in damage control because that relationship was broken before I needed extensive dental care. I have one or two more dental appointments but no further extractions. The physical overload isn’t over.

I know it must sound crazy but, since the child alters are coping so well with the needles in our mouth, I really want them to have a pet snail. I’d like to be able to get to the park to look.

6-26-17, 8:48pm EST

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