Embarrassed- don't even look at meThe problem is that I’m embarrassed. Today will be my firs session with Dr. D after his vacation and after my closest support system has returned from Ohio. I took 2 milligrams of Klonopin about an hour ago. I think it laughed at me.

I’m going to talk to Dr. D about being fired by my general practitioner.  It’ll be a phone session which will be easier to say, but I’ll be in his office on the 9th.

I wanted to write the old GP a letter but I’m not sure what it would say. Then I thought, write one but don’t send it. Then I thought, I’m not writing a letter to a man that assisted in destroying our working relationship.

It crossed my mind very briefly to write a letter asking that he reconsider. I just got abandoned by a jerk, dropped on my head with the legal 30 day notice, but still dropped on my head. My abandonment issues have been touched. Lord knows I should have left that private practice the first time I saw him. After that appointment I never should have gone back, but desperation is a constant companion to those with a chronic illness and we put up with a lot of crap in the name of hope. Despite the fact that he was a jackass for two years, despite leaving his office in tears repeatedly, I am embarrassed that I got sacked as a patient. 

Enough Room to Grow This says to me, Faith Austin, you’re too sick for me to work with. Of all my years of experience and schooling, you’re the patient I can’t help. Ah we should change a word though, “You’re a patient I won’t help.

I have issues. OMG do I have issues but I’m not a patient beyond help.

I will seek better care instead of redemption from a doctor who holds a lot of fault in this disaster. I will not ask to go back so he can look at the computer instead of me, ask a few questions while looking at the computer, type a few things, write something down and then leave me sitting in the room alone. He just hands me the paper and walks out. Yes, he refereed me to other care, yes he approved needed supplies, but he did it the way I just described. It’s not like I was invisible, it was like he couldn’t condescend to acknowledge me.

Sunflower Tea Cup – available

No. There won’t be a letter to write to him to ask him to reconsider. I won’t write one to send or keep one for myself. I have nothing more to say to him, not even a thank you. And I will deal with the abandonment issues. And I will be ………scared of the next GP but I’ll also go in with a the firm resolve to find a GP that is interested in helping an emotional woman with mental health issues and chronic illness.

I just want to scream YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE!!!

I’m not writing no dang on letter! What would I say, “You ignored me, cruelly ignored me but please take me back” I do not think so!!!

This hurts and it’s embarrassing, but I will recover and come out on a much better patch of land. Now if only I could settle my mind so I can be ready when the therapist calls around 1pm


July 3, 2017, 7:50 am EST

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