Crazy don’t live here anymore, but it keeps visiting.
I talked to Dr. D about the general practitioner and getting fired. About 30 min in the phone session he said, I’m surprised at how well you’re taking this. You seem so calm. I said, I’m not. On an anxiety scale of 1-10 I’m an eight. He said, so why are you holding back from expressing that emotion? You know you don’t have to hold back for me. I said, I don’t have to hold back for anyone.
I meant, I don’t have to hide emotionally in therapy or from my friends. I said, I’m trying to keep it together because there are parts of me (alter personalities) that need someone to hold it together.
My GP didn’t fire a person with one personality who is 45 years old. At this time in our healing process, the older personalities integrated. We now range from 19 to 3 yrs old, the oldest of us is 19 years old. We understand and often respond according to those age groups. So when the 19 year old, me, Jordan, withholds anxiety felt, it may be because there are little ones who need parenting.
When discussing the events that lead up to being fired by the GP, my therapist told me I expressed it as if I read off a grocery list. He said it was without emotion. Yup, I know. Shielding emotion wasn’t for him. Don’t mothers often shield their children from their full emotional experience? If parents panic the kids panic. It’s the same for me and my personality disorder. There are children to be considered, to be taken care of emotionally, to be talked to about why we won’t see that GP anymore. I have kids. Others can’t see them, but with multiple personality disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) I have kids to parent.
Just before our phone session ended he said, So, things are chaotic over there as usual. At first there was a twinge of guilt because things are ‘as usual’ but there was no guilt intent and it is true. For many reasons my life is chaotic. The difference in that chaos is, I’m aware that others experience this level of chaos in their lives, often to little if any fault of their own. Of course I step in crap I could have avoided, but my life is chaotic because crap happens.
There is no need for me to feel guilty that there’s always something crazy going on. If you hadn’t noticed, the world is in chaos, its madness. Chaos and madness isn’t a news story across the ocean, it’s right here in our living rooms, in our families, in our heads. I’ve come to know this 21st century reality as it intertwines with my physical and mental health. I see its affect on my community.
As I said before, I’m no longer a season ticket holder for the Nut Bowl. I am not an actor. I am not a co-host in this TV drama turned horror flick where the casualties are real. The horror does affect me. Unless you live on a mountain or are in a rural area with your closest neighbor 3 miles up the way, you are going to feel strained, you’re going to run in to stupid people and they’re going to try to bring stupid to your door step. Do I believe this chaos will calm down eventually? Absolutely not.
I may be an artist who embraces the whimsical and abstract, but in life I’m a realist who sees the world being crushed under the weight of its own madness. During world madness, our personal demons throw stones.
Welcome to my life. I’ve got a lot going on, still.
10:48pm EST July 3, 2017