Content: Difficulty with doctor and medications. High risk of suicide for CRSD patients. Strong support system. Angry.

All my meds are up for renewal. The pharmacy has to call the GP to refill meds for the time that I’m still legally under his care. If they deny refills I will go to one of the emergency clinics associated with the hospital and request medication. I’ve spoken with my pharmacist today and explained the situation. I’ve been with that pharmacy for 10 years, they know me well and have been active in educating me about medication contradictions. The pharmacist was nice. She didn’t laugh or ask “What did you do?” She didn’t ask but the long and short of it is, “I got emotional concerning medication mistakes two times in a row. I was blunt and showed irritation.”

You know what? When a doctor sends a request via the physician dispensing software and recieves a reply back to the pharmacy that denies medication it quickly triggers me because it means I’ve been left in pain with nothing to help. It says walk in the middle of the street. It says, You’re not going to be able to stand living in your skin. I panic. Anyone who has ever experienced CRSD pain knows that certain levels of pain make you lose your mind and you’re willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop. To be denied medication feels like a death sentence for a crime I did not commit. I have no idea if he’s going to refill. I’m just saying what it feels like to have my meds messed up or denied. 

My next dental appointment is the  last of this series. One dental appointment will knock me down for a week. The appointment is past the date of getting a new general medical doctor. My point is, I have to try and find someone in the next few days because when I have a dental appointment I’m not good for a week. I’m going to talk out of my head. I’m going to be manic, perhaps skip over into psychotic. That’s how this works. When the body is under that much trauma for so long it follows the rules of the diagnosis. There is Lupus induced mental illness, CRSD induced mental illness. There’s everything from paranoia to mania, delusions and hallucinations. These are a cruel disease,  taking no prisoners, giving no reprieve. So in the middle of trying to manage my body and keep my mind, I’m trying to find a new doctor. It won’t be that hard. I can get a temporary doctor for med management then begin to really look and interview doctors.

I am good for checking doctor’s records. I want to know if disciplinary actions have been taken against them. They’re easy to look up. It’s on the net. I look them up because I want to make sure I’m not stepping into a mess that someone else has warned others about.

We have to talk about the sweating. I just start sweating like rain. It rushes out of me in an alarming way. Sometimes I go through three shirts in a day. They aren’t like hot flashes, they’re buckets of sweat with flushing that lasts for maybe 10 min or so. I might have this happen 5 times a day. That’s a CRSD symptom. Mixing Lupus with CRSD is like mixing bleach with ammonia.

I need to add this – I said that people with these disorders can be in so much pain that they are willing to walk in the middle of the street to get hit by a car just to make the pain stop. We lose ourselves. Yeah, the suicide rate is high, but I tell you now, I have a great support system. I can call several people 24 hours a day if needed. If need be, someone will occupy the lounge chair in my room to sit with me as I make it through the rougher spots. I tell you I won’t walk in the street or act to kill myself. I tell you that my therapist is well aware of my emotional position. I will not let myself get to the point where I don’t want help. The way to insure that my ears are still open to reason, to not hurting myself, is to work my safety plan. I am doing just that. Even though I had a session Monday, I will go in his office Friday. (side note, they have great trees with Spanish moss.) I will say things like that, about suicide, about fear, but I will also be clear that a feeling isn’t the same as a behavior nor is it the same as a plan. My therapist and I have worked on this for a good long time and we are on the same page with it.

Back to the GP. Vomiting comes with the territory of my chronic illness. Before getting the dx of CRSD I don’t think the GP was that willing to believe how much I get sick. We went two years before he gave me the pill that dissolves on my tongue so I can keep my food down. Two years he waited to ease the strain of vomiting.

That GP was a pebble in my shoes, but I’ve taken those shoes off. I prefer to walk with my feet touching the land anyway. Bare feet on green grass. Out with the old, in with the new.

I trust that I will always have enough.

There’s a pot of tea slowly heating in the kitchen on a burner that turns itself off after a while. Apples,  fresh ginger mix with a few other goodies. I found Zen by Tazo at the store on sale.


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