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Content: Self harm, cutting discussion. Discussion of fear of the police or anyone trying to restrain us. PTSD triggered response if ever handcuffed. Letter to alter personality Robert, feelings of being easily forgotten, ignored when in need, overwhelmed.
We talked about the issue of feeling invisible and that it is important for this vulnerable part of us right now to be seen, not ignored. Though one alter may hold this feeling of being invisible to others, easily looked over, easily forgotten, the truth belongs to the whole of me. In therapy we discussed both the alter that feels this way and the person Faith who feels this way.
Past integration has produced more fluid emotion. Anger issues are included in the ‘fluid emotions’ category. At times I am able to go from one emotion to the next without switching personalities. That’s what’s meant by ‘fluid emotion’. Even if the emotion is intense or expressed incorrectly I’ve shown improvement in staying in my core person.
Alters are always allowed to write on this blog and use their name. That will only change if full integration is reached. I’m not there so alters will write freely.
We discussed the progress of therapy with Robert and the issues of self harm that have surfaced. From here I just want to write a few words to Robert and include some of what Dr. D said.
Dr. D said you haven’t been inappropriate in his office. He says you’re welcome there. I think your idea of limiting contact with outsiders is a good one. If you only want to talk to Dr. D and you only want to be out at home then that’s what you should do.
I’m worried about something. I’m worried that you suffer so much emotionally. I’m worried that you want to relieve overwhelming stress and stop flashbacks by cutting. Of course I get it. I get how difficult this is to sit in front of Dr. D and tell him things then feel ‘stupid’ after and wish you’d never said anything. All that swirls in your head and you want to lash out. This sucks so bad but I’ve got to tell you something: If ever there was a time to use your voice, it’s now. We are in a safe position/situation for you to do so. We have the strongest support system we’ve ever had. We have a great set of friends with friendships on various levels. We have goals and we have HOPE. Robert, if there was ever a safe time where you could say what you need to say, the way you need to say it, well that time is now. The stage is yours and we will not hold you back.
The growing pains of your therapy will subside. You’ll get in the groove of sitting in front of Dr. D without thinking he’s going to get up from his seat and give you a reason to ‘choke him out’. He is very, very well aware not to touch us, and never has. Even if we fall on ground, he does not touch us. I will not call him safe but I will say the way he’s dealt with us over the years is consistent. Feel free to ask the rest of us questions about him and about our sessions. Feel free to write more here.
I know a few entries back you felt regret for your existence. You expressed guilt because you feel you mess up too much. Robert, we don’t regret that you’re part of our system. We don’t wish you’d just go away or get buried under ….something. No, you are part of us the same as other alters, and you are welcome here.
I’t was a heavy session today, one where Dr D said it is unlikely that he’d call the police because of self harm separate from suicidal ideation. I told Dr D the truth, if the police show up talkin’ about they’re taking us in, it’s going to be ugly for us because you are not afraid to be tasered or pepper sprayed. It’ll be easy for the police, but hard on us cause you going ‘quietly into that dark blue’ isn’t going to happen. The PTSD trigger and flashbacks of being handcuffed is the trigger that may end our life. I am the wrong race to tangle with the police. I think “Kill an unarmed mental health patient” is what they do on Wednesday’s. Enough said……….
So, we are sure Dr D isn’t going to send the police to our house and neither would anyone else. And we don’t call them unless it’s life and death, even then we wait a minute to see if things will settle down. So, let your mind rest when it comes to the police okay. However, it is up to us to come up with more physical type anxiety relievers. We need some different physical exertion tools that you will use and that you will find helpful, all tailored to you. I’mt thinking an old exercise bike would be totally awesome!!! I’d totally love one of those old rowing exercise things like when canoeing. Goodwill has stuff like that so we’ll keep an eye out.
Cutting isn’t going to work for several reasons, a major, major reason Robert is that we don’t have the health to risk such actions. Infection is a concern but even more is having our central nervous system issues. It would be even more life changing pain with Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy if a nerve was damaged while cutting. So, we do have to find better ways to physically work off emotions that come with daily life and psychotherapy.
I have to cut this short cause we’re 40 min into tea time and you know how I feel about my tea. I’m just saying, you’ve got a good support system and you’ve got room to move and grow. Again, we are happy you are here but sorry for why you’re here. You’re part of us and we do not regret your presence.
July 10, 2017-6:40pm EST