I’m about to do what we bloggers do when dealing with a difficult subject. I publish the hard post then follow it up with something else because the post under this is heavy and its scary to leave it at the front of the blog. It feels like I’m protecting myself from the post so I don’t look like a weak whiner. I feel like I have to make sure people don’t think this is a drama filled blog. It’s worrisome to have to write something like that but we bloggers usually experience it at least once. It doesn’t feel good.
The other reason for this entry is to talk about a phone call from a friend and the physical reaction that took place.
I answered the phone, but when my friend started talking I heard my mother’s voice. It shocked me to the point that my knees buckled. I had to catch myself and regain composure.
I’ve had some depersonalization issues. I’ve been highly dissociative and I’ve been running from the things written in Robert’s notes concerning therapy sessions.
Sometimes my body feels foreign. I see my hands and they don’t look like mine. I see hands moving across the keyboard, I have to try to ignore the feeling that they don’t belong to me.
The emotional weight of going over some of the memories is more than I expected. I know we’re desensitizing memories so my PTSD doesn’t rage so much, but my goodness I feel so frazzled, exhausted…broken. And then there’s a part of me that’s like, just ride the wave and cling to your board of support. …. ok but it hurts. The drops that make up those waves hurt. I feel dirty, soiled.
I went through 30 levels of my game last night running from my thoughts. I’m about to enter the sixth and final stage of the game. Where do I run when the video game ends?