10 pm
My right leg is still swollen but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it did yesterday. I’m still wearing compression socks.

I fell asleep shortly after writing my last entry. I’ve been sleeping for a very, very long time, all day and night. I got up to use the restroom. I got up to feed the cat and take medication, other than that I’ve been sleeping. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

11:48 pm
I went for an orange and got distracted. I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors. I had an orange, water and some tea.

Yesterday evening was scary because I wasn’t sure I’d wake up today. I jotted a quick note to my friend Snow and closed my eyes. The leg was really bad yesterday.

One of the best things for edema is activity. I need to increase blood flow. I also need to be conscious of what I eat. I don’t take a lot of sodium but at this time it’s best to be even more careful with it. My stretches will be important. My vascular issues are Lupus related which means the root of the problem is in my blood and immune system. If I am to have any impact on this I’ll have to do it from the inside out. I have to get that turmeric, ginger and black pepper back in me on a regular basis. I have to get cinnamon and garlic back in me as well as organic honey. These are vital. Funny how I can now see how vital it is after having stopped regular intake for nearly two months.

I am depressed and not doing the things I need to do to care for myself. My depression is debilitating. My hygiene is despicable. I see the problem. I feel the problem. I want to stop forcing positivity when it feels so foreign. It feels fake.

I have explained my position very clearly with doctors and friends that I will not accept blood thinners for blood clots. The decision was made and added to my advance directive over a year ago. One friend is particularly unhappy with that decision. Deciding what treatment to accept or decline has nothing to do with suicide but dignity in life. I’m not planning on dying. I’m just saying that medical decisions made by chronic patients that go against the view of friends should not be seen as suicide. I would like that friend to consider the entire picture, not just the last 5 years he’s known me.

I’m pleased to say the right leg is not as painful as it was yesterday. I know how to monitor the situation. This isn’t my first rodeo. I can measure and document as shown. I can monitor my INR the same as people with diabetes take blood from a finger and check their numbers. The moment I am certain my leg needs professional care, I will go to the ER. At the ER I’d get medications through an IV. I’d accept the two weeks of shots in the stomach twice a day, but I will not take their Warfarin or any other ‘black label’ medications either long term or short term because it’s not in my best interest to do so. Medications with side effects I can accept will be considered. Alternative treatments will be considered.

I’ll say it again, when a chronic health patient makes a medical decision contrary to friends wishes, it should not be viewed as suicide. If I wanted to die I wouldn’t seek medical care. I wouldn’t take medication. I wouldn’t … blog…plain and simple, I wouldn’t do the vast majority of what I do if I wanted to die. What I want is to live through this leg issue and find light again. That’s what I want. Adding plants to my bedroom and a hanging terrarium aren’t the actions of a woman who intends to do anything other than wake the next day.

It’s 12:18 pm now. I have to go back to sleep so I can be up and ready to listen to services over the tie line later this morning.


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