He asked about my depression. I was honest. I agreed that I need to find a psychiatrist because the depression isn’t something that’s getting better. I have days where I don’t feel so heavy but this depression isn’t getting any better. Where do I find the energy or drive to search for a psychiatrist.

He asked about my eating. I was honest. I’m eating mostly crackers, peanut butter sandwiches and Cheerios. I stay close to bed. He knows it’s not like me to neglect hygiene. Even as I type that I’m thinking about going back to sleep.

My leg is back to normal. I see the new doctor the 22nd. Thinking about these appointments I have this month make me want to go back to sleep. It feels so big. I don’t want to get to know a new doctor. I don’t want to look at this woman and see a look on her face that says she doesn’t want to treat me. I don’t want the rejection. What if I get there and she says its better for me if I go somewhere else because I need more care than she can give?

The last few years I’ve had such a hard time with my birthday. It feels like something is slipping away with each birthday. Something? I don’t know what, but it hurts.

JW’s don’t celebrate birthday’s so it’s not that I’m needing recognition for the day……it’s that I feel very alone. I do not belong to anyone and that hurts. Marriage is not for me. What I mean is, I have no family and each year that passes it hurts more and more because I’m supposed to grow old beside my siblings. I’m supposed to have a relationship with my sister that evolves over the years. We were supposed to be teens together then young women. We were supposed to be there for each other in major life events, instead we’ve got nothing but an abuse history between us. That history sits stagnant. Nothing about the abuse has changed but her beliefs against me have. Her feelings for me have gone from anger to hatred and cruelty. It’s like she’s taken over the mother’s role of verbal assaults.

I know this subject has come up a thousand times before. It won’t die soon. It seems she’s a carrot dangling in front of me. My heart will always yearn for my sister…but doing so will only result in pain.

My mother lead me on as a kid. She let me think everything was okay then flattened me with how wrong I was to trust her. For some reason I didn’t see it coming. I fell for it each time. And each time the mother looked me in the eye to search for the pain because I refused to show it anywhere else. She looked me dead in my face searching, loving every second of leading me on.

I’ve hoped since I was little that my sister would come around but as an adult she clearly stated she has no use for me. So why am I sitting here hurting and longing for someone who is cruel? Because I need someone to call family. As I grow older it feels even more important to have her. I feel like I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel like I’ve got a good plan to move forward…to have a measure of happiness…but part of me still looks back and wants desperately to fix the relationship between me and my sister. I hate when I can’t fix things and I hate how torn down I let myself get this time.

I told Dr. D I’d eat. The bell just went off to my convection oven. I have green beans, a potato and a pork chop in a small baking pan. I put garlic, rosemary and basic in the pan. I’ve got ginger apple tea ready to drink. I have no desire at all to eat this but I have to remember that I don’t have to eat it all at once. I can split it up over a few hours if I want. I don’t have to eat it all right now.

I want to wash my hair. I’d feel better about myself if I did that.


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