Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother’s sexuality. It’s a heavy entry, one difficult to write.

Page 2 of Miss Eyes I Want to Be UsefulWe  started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I’ve used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.

Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I’m trying to say that no matter what I’m going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies.  I’m able to better see that my self image isn’t based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult.

The other challenge to these thoughts is the color orange. Sometimes I use that color because I’ve got conflicting feelings about a matter. Sometimes the conflicting feelings are about self worth. In the last year the use of orange has been strong in my work. Sometimes it has to do with emotional conflict but other times its because I like the color and how it looks on paper.

The painting in all blue is the one I did today during the session.

Robert’s time in session was about sexual abuse issues.

We discussed how much the mother hounded me as a child about my gender. She asked very early on if I thought I was a boy. She asked if I wanted her to cut my braids so I’d look like a boy. She asked if I wanted to wear boy’s clothes. I said no to all of it. In abuse situations I was often put in the male role.

My mother showed contempt for men and was very open about her views on their body. She told us men would never respect us if we had sex with them. We were to never have oral sex with them because they’d never respect us.  My sister and I were told to look in the mirror daily and say 20 times, “Men are dogs.” We did. I even believed it for quite some time. I thought everyone believed it. The mother repeatedly spoke of their bodies with contempt, yet she told us she was a good lover with them. She gave us the belief that being penetrated by a man meant he was never out of me. I could never be free of him.

Thoughts on Orange and BlueFrom her own telling I wonder, was she ever free of her father?

The mother taunted me saying I was just a mouth piece and that I’d do anything with my mouth. I hated her for taunting me that way.

I tend to exaggerate lips in my art work. Sometimes it has to do with being told I that my mouth was all I was good for. Sometimes I draw the mouth large as ownership over my body. This belongs to me and I’ll do with it what I please. It is my choice now.

Exaggerated features aren’t always negative in my art.

I don’t recall Dr. D ever asking point blank about my mother’s sexuality. I couldn’t use the words so he gave me three, of which I chose one.

I was not yet in High School but she would take us cruising at night on a college campus to look at girls. Comments in public places like the grocery store were about girls and young women. At the arcade she made comments about girls. I don’t recall her ever complimenting a young man about his looks. She did have one boyfriend but that’s a very long story.

I’ve got to stop. I’m a bit too anxious. I’ll finish up later.


3:30 pm-5:17 pm EST

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