Content: Physical abuse and torture.
It took a bit for Robert to come out and talk to Dr. D. Robert and a little one kept switching places while trying to give away some of the details of what we went through.
Robert: I did all the hard stuff.
Dr. D: What do you mean?
Robert: If it hurt too much for the others then I had to do it.
Dr. D: Do you want to tell me more?
Robert: I want to tell you what she did to us.
I want to tell you what she did to us. That sentence had powerful meaning but I can’t seem to explain myself. I’ve tried for a bit to explain why that sentence is important but I’ve deleted and started more times than I can count. It was almost like he needed to free himself of it.
I could see myself sitting there. I was squirming, wincing, wringing my hands. I painted as I spoke to him. Painting in session helps me focus better and gives someplace for extra anxiety to go.
In session painting using watercolor.
Robert recounted one of the times the mother beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. She put me across her lap, held on to the handle of the comb and beat my lips.
Side 1 is below. Side 2 isn’t complete.
I had to make sure not to open my mouth because she’d hit my teeth and gums or somewhere else on my face. I lay there, in her lap. I wouldn’t dare move. I was afraid of her. When she was done I’d get up and go to my room. I don’t remember what I’d do after that.
I don’t remember why the mother did that to me. She didn’t do it often. I don’t remember her doing that past the 4th grade.
We talked about a picture I drew that symbolized my mother but I’ll have to write about that later. I’m going to sleep now.
I took Earl Grey with lavender to therapy. One time there was a soft scent of lavender that passed in front of my face and sort of got me grounded again. I liked that.
My head hasn’t been right for the last few days. I want to suck my thumb. I want to get in the fetal position and cover my head. I want to glide a razor across my skin but I haven’t. I’ve chosen to create instead.
I was able to get the new Abilify script filled and will start it tomorrow morning.