I turned 46 today. I’m not bothered by the age but my heart still desires what it can’t have, family connection. Birthday’s anymore are difficult. On this day, I feel the ache of not having family to grow old with.
Dr. D and I discussed what it would be like if I had any of my family in my life. The first thing is that they’d refuse to call me by my chosen and now legal name. They’d call me by the name I was given at birth which is totally unacceptable. The second thing is that I’d be asked to accept their reality as opposed to factual reality.
I know all the things that would be emotionally damaging if I were to connect again with my family. We don’t have to list them off, I know them. What I can’t seem to let go of is the need. I need something from these people that they can’t and won’t give. I need to belong to a family, without one I feel so ….I feel like I’m just out here floating around. I feel foreign and isolated. I’m a tree without bark, naked. I feel like a woman on an island alone and no one is coming to claim me or take me off this island.
I know this part is morbid but, what family member will claim me at death? Will an abuser come claim my body? How much talk will there be about why this person can’t do it and why that person can’t do it? Who gets the short end of that stick?
Snow’s husband is the person who will see that my final wishes are met. I will be dealt with respectfully. Until the last 5 years I thought I wouldn’t have a funeral at all, that no one would be there when the put me in the ground. That isn’t the case now. Much to my … need….that day will include many friends…and a heck of a lot of sunflowers.
Who claims me in life? Despite the wonderful people I have around me, the eyes of my heart look past them and desire the love and acceptance of my abusers. How do I get my heart to stop needing what it can’t have?
I’m the only JW in my family. At this time, only two of us practice any kind of faith.
So, these blood ties, this connection I need so much, why? Because I’m human and middle aged with no children, just a cat and frogs. In the middle of my life I should be settled. In a way I am, it’s just that I think this is the time I’d like to …..I need to …have a family member that will go through this phase of life with me. All the changes coming up, all the awesome stuff coming up should be experienced with my sister. I feel like my heart would stop aching and that I’d better appreciate the changes if I had my sister to evolve with.
This need that I can’t have will trip me up if I don’t let it go. The truth is, I have a very large group of friends who love me and support me. Aren’t they enough? Oh, I want to say yes but my heart says no. I want my sister… I want the fantasy. smh. And so, I figure out how to keep my eyes on the people around me who truly love me and stick closer than any family member. They are enough.
The tree photos were taken today when I went for a short walk. The tree is skinned on the vast majority of the trunk. I don’t know why. It really saddened me to see it but I can relate to feeling naked, exposed and raw. And yes, I harvested quite a bit of moss from the fallen bark.
I don’t celebrate birthday’s which means well wishes on this day would be inappropriate.