I started giving Jane several very small meals a day so that she kept food on her stomach. She hasn’t thrown anything up. She’s not drinking as much as she was but she is still drinking. She stays in the corner and sleeps much of the time. I brush her as usual, once per day.
I feel guilty thinking to myself that I fear getting caught alone after she goes. I can’t live alone. I need something alive with me. I love frogs and fish but I need something to mother, something to dote over and fuss about. I don’t do well completely alone.
Dr. D and I discussed Jane very little. What we talked about was how I wall it off, compartmentalize my feelings. In therapy he said I told him her condition and told him that my heart breaks but he said my emotions did’t match my words. I told him I had to wall them off because I only had an hour in his office. If I let myself feel the pain of losing her it would take more than an hour to get myself together. I didn’t think I was in a safe enough space of time to let myself feel. He kept pushing me to break down in his office which was weird. A firm boundary was set that I would not go there in his office because I couldn’t guarantee I’d be okay in an hour.
What I feel concerning Jane is strong, and loud. It’s not the usual me crying with no sound. It’s sobbing, snotting and rocking, bending over and wailing. I’m going to lose my girl and I hate that. It feels so selfish. I feel selfish because I don’t want her to go.
She showed interest in a toy today. She took one swipe at her favorite catnip toy then went back to the corner where she’s been now for over a month.
I’m in the living room with her now which is different because I’m usually in the room most of the time. While out here I’ve been working on dolls and painting a bit. I’ve studied and eaten dinner and I’ve done it pushing back tears.
I want a small shadow box so I can put her tags in it and her favorite cat nip toy. I want to make a small display memory box for her the way I did Captain. I got the box for Cappy at Dollar Tree but I’ve not seen them here again. Oh, I just had a thought. Instead of a shadow box I could do a little treasure box then make a small memorial terrarium. I can get a glass globe terrarium from Hobby Lobby. That’s what I’ll do!!! I can hand it in the window where she use to plant herself so she could threaten the birds. 🙂 I like that idea. I can get the little box at Hobby Lobby, one of those paper ones that you decoupage. Oh, I so like that idea.
Lastly, it pleases me very much that Dr. D doesn’t think my frog is ugly. I only said he has a face only a mother could love because it felt like it would be easier if I just laughed at it. But, I don’t think they’re ugly. I think they’re very cute. I like that they burrow beside one another. Their call is strange but welcome. They’re good eaters, too.
Oh yeah, I may be able to get the pet store to order a land snail for me so I can get a bigger pet snail for the kids. We had a total of 5 that were smaller than the circumference of the cap of a pen but all died except one. That little snail comes out on in his terrarium home quite often. He’s so cute. He’s a tiny little coiled up thing. I’m not sure of the species I just know he’s very tiny but active. I’d like to have at least on pet snail so I will attempt to order one next month from the pet store.