We talked about the grieving process. I haven’t been emotional in front of people, which may make me seem cold to her passing. It’s been more private and I’m certain it’ll stay that way. I’m running, that’s for sure. I need distractions; I have them.
One distraction is the mean streak of Betty. I could go on and on about Betty but why? Until I change it, there’s no reason to go on and on. The woman is a constant problem.
I told Dr. D that I’m working on getting different transportation to the store on Tuesday’s but that I have real problems in cars. The only place I’m terribly claustrophobic and scared is in a car. I need to know I can get out and I need to know the person behind the wheel won’t attack me physically. I need to know they aren’t going to start hitting me, slapping me, threatening to drive into on coming traffic, won’t scream “I’m killing us all” followed by driving off the road to wreck the car. (Times like this make me think I hate my mother.)
I’m afraid in cars. It matters who I get in the car with which means its taken a little longer than expected to find other transportation. I have a lot of “can’t” situations in cars. I can’t have a window that won’t roll down. The driver can’t be a black female. The car can’t be flashback material due to similarities with the two cars my mother tried to kill me in. Cars aren’t easy for me to get in. I’ve slept in them. I’ve done homework, eaten meals, read and have been abused in them as well as had my life nearly cut short in them. I have problems with cars when I’m not behind the wheel.
Dr. D said I hadn’t talked about pain as much in the last few months. I told him it felt wrong. How can I complain about pain when my cat lays there looking half dead? I took care of her and tried not to go too much into my physical pain. It’s been there but so has Vicodin. I’ve taken more Vicodin in the last 2 months than before because of dental work so that makes a difference in pain level. I’m no longer taking it so my pain is right back to where it usually is. I was well aware of the benefits of cbd, and so decided to try my hand at it, now that I wasn’t on Vicodin.
It also makes a difference when my GP doesn’t set up appointments for me to run back and forth to doctors. I’ve already done all the physical therapy I’m going to do. She can check my records. I’m not going to a pain specialist to be given opioids on a regular basis, nor am I accepting more steroid shots that have never don’t work for me. If I need opioids down the line then I need them, but I want to continue alternative measures and more life upgrades such as dietary upgrades and weight loss.
I got away from my routine when I was depressed but I’m in full swing now. I even found a new way to take in turmeric. I can’t believe I like it. I now have turmeric and ginger in many forms: fresh grown here at home, dried here, powdered here and in chocolate as well as various forms of home mixed teas and tinctures. I love that I’m the one who processed my turmeric powder and ginger powder. Anyway, I’ve got a good amount of stuff that will aid in pain relief that won’t send me to rehab or make me diabetic or cause other issues. I don’t need more issues.
I seek medical help because I need it. There are many meds I’m on that I can’t get around taking. The number of pharmaceuticals I’m on in worrisome to me but I can’t get around it, so I take them. I see value in both and believe they can work together. However, there are times when traditional medication has risks that out weight the benefits. In that case I refuse that option and use the option of alternative medicine. I need less pain in my life, less damage to tissue and less mental fog. I try my best to be balanced in my decisions and listen without bias to what my doctors say. That’s difficult for me to do since I have a loathing for them.
The current GP is only going to be in this role until spring at which time I’ll start looking for another. The last time I saw her she suggested a procedure to kill off peripheral nerves on my left side in order to reduce pain. I’ve seen her twice, that’s all. We’ve yet to discuss the CRSD bc we’re too busy discussing shock therapy, killing off peripheral nerves and weight loss.