I told Dr. D I feel creatively constipated, and I do. I’m struggling with this painting. Her dress isn’t finished. It’ll eventually be a little girl in a red dress 

The depression I spoke of earlier feels like it’s eating at my knees. I need someone to reach down my throat and pull it out.

I ate dinner. I was going to make chicken with green beans and potatoes but I skipped the chicken part. I just wanted warm potatoes and green beans. It was good. It felt like I hadn’t eaten in forever but it’s not been that long.

Is this anxiety or depression I feel?

Dr. D and I talked about suicidality in my session. It comes and goes but when it comes it’s rather strong. It knocks me in the face and I just start crying. It’s the strangest thing to feel suicidal but be mad at someone for doing just that. This whole grief thing is for the birds.

I keep trying to throw it off, not think about him but man, it’s right in my face. It weighs on my heart so heavily. Although there’s no overwhelming sadness with the loss of Jane, her death does compound the grief of my brother.

I realized something, I have his life written in my head only till the age of three when he lived with me and was mine. I know he was an adult. I know all he did with his work and stuff but that seems distant and abstract. I still see him as my three year old baby. I feel like I could recall every moment of those three years, but the adult musician seems like a stranger wearing his face.



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2 thoughts on “The Child’s Face. Depression Rising.

    1. I grieve not knowing him. I went to one of his concerts when he was 15. I was in the background. He had no idea I was there. That’s the only time I’ve heard him in person. I don’t know the man he became just the child that was lost to me. Perhaps it’s both. I got three years, that’s it. The whole thing is unbearable.

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