I never did write exactly what Dr. D and I discussed in session because the only thing I wanted to do was run from it. While talking to him I needed a lot of self soothing. I felt so frazzled and like once tiny increase in emotion, one adjustment in anything at all and I’d fall apart. I rocked a lot. I was quiet a lot. I had my head in my hands a lot. It was intense just being alive so I wasn’t as open as usual.
After therapy I went to the store with Snow but before I got out of the car I told her I wanted her to stay with me because I wasn’t doing well. I then took a Klonopin so I could pick up the three items on my list and get the heck out of there. She commented that I seemed very calm. She was surprised to hear I felt like I was seconds from screaming and hiding my head. I was. I know I don’t show even half of what I’m really feeling. I don’t generally make a conscious effort to mask body language, but I still do it. I’ve done it since I was very little. I used to be proud of not showing much, not now.