Why do women cry in the bathtub while drinking a glass of wine? Is that in our DNA?

I had a wonderful lavender bath. When I got out I put on my lavender oil and gave myself a foot massage with the oil. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t sexy. I mean seriously, all that lavender, all that water, dreads drenched and hanging, yeah, there was a moment when I thought, you can’t tell me I’m not sexy. Ha ha haaaa. lol. 🙂 It felt good to tell you the truth. Usually I feel like a beast but if you mix lavender oil and DIY lavender bath bombs together you get a supple woman with a case of confidence. Like wow!

I refused to cry in my beautiful bath water. I refused. I wanted to but instead I laid back, used my loofah, sipped wine and enjoyed the flicker of a pear and sage candle. I thought to myself, this is how you live….this…is….how…you….live! 

I love this dog. I have no complaints about him. My complaint is that my manager said to me today, “If you die, whose going to take care of the dog?” She said, “Faith, with as sick as you are, how are you going to take care of the dog?” I told her that I’m out of the woods. I no longer have one foot on a banana peel. Yes, my pain levels are out of control but that’s.. well…natural for my disorders. I’m going to be in pain and that’s not going to stop, but I’m not in critical condition. I told her I have a paper to give her letting her know who can come in the apartment in case of emergency. I told her not to worry because it’s all covered. There’s a place for Clyde to go if I’m in the hospital. There’s a place for Clyde to go if I die. She then popped up and said, “You’re so ornery you’re going to out live me.” I said, “You best believe it.”

Don’t under estimate me. Life may get gloomy, clouds may roll in, but I will emerge.

I am aware of my physical limitations. I’m aware that my feet are a mess and that the rest of my body screams in pain. I’m aware that less than a year ago I couldn’t manage those stairs, but I can now and I do. I’ve used those stairs as my personal work out equipment much to the interest of my neighbors. lol

I’ve walk with Clyde every single day. I go up and down those stairs 4 to 5 times a day and I’m doing just fine with it. I have no worries about my physical ability to take care of Clyde.

What Clyde gives me emotionally is without measure. Right now the pain in my back is at a level 9 but I’m not by myself with it and that is so helpful. He’s a 60 lob dog (his papers say 67 lbs) and he’s tall. It’s like having a person around, someone to comfort me in times like this. I feel so alienated from normal, from people, because of how painful it is to be touched. It makes me feel like a freak.

Having someone here that is little human size, who touches me, who look as me with loving eyes and who I can spoil rotten, heals pain in my mind over being a freak. I am being touched all the time.

I love this. I listen to him snore, listen to him chew his bone, pet his soft ears and kiss his head. Touch. I’m being touched. I need that. Yes it hurts but now more than ever, I need regular touch.

His size makes a difference. If he were small or a cat I wouldn’t I’d feel this level of comfort. It’s hard to explain why I need a medium/large dog as opposed to a small dog or cat for increased emotional support. …..I’m rambling now.Sir Clyde Austin Dreams of LightCurrently, one of the best things about life at Sundrip is my morning routine. I get up and feed the dog. I take care of two fish tanks, 4 frogs and feed the crickets. I then take Clyde out for his first walk. I come back and drink my tea in the spot with the best view of the plant room. Night time is good too because I get to hear the frogs and crickets sing. Clyde snores, too. Listening to all that life calms me and warms me inside.

I’m going to log off now and cuddle with my boy. Lets end this night with the knowledge that a page in my life has turned, and there is much good waiting for me.

with hope,

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