My dreams weren’t good but they didn’t plague me. I laid in bed for a bit and watched a short lecture then got ready for therapy. We talked about how wonderful it’s been to have my new buddy and how there’s renewed courage to leave the house and go further than usual. I can’t explain why a dog gives me that courage but he does.

We talked about the gift of sleep and how I can close my eyes and go to sleep without looking at the door fearing someone from my past will be standing there. It’s not possible to stand in the doorway without Clyde letting me know. So I close my eyes and go to sleep….because I can.

The anxiety is still out of control with no real answer as to why. It’s there, it’s huge and it’s not going anywhere soon. Dr. D and I went over a few things that could assist with managing it. We talked again about getting a stationary bike. I have to do something physical to relieve anxiety like this. Sometimes I just need to run from myself, get out of my skin and my head. I remember riding a bike back when I had a measure of health to do so. Man I miss it terribly. That’s one of the best feelings ever. I know this bike will be stationary but my current need for it will be met because the motion of riding is what I seek. I figure since this is holiday time I can put one in the layaway at Walmart or something.

Another way to ease anxiety will be to move my small fish tank in the bedroom. Fish are soothing to watch. I’ll have to adjust a few things but it’ll work out. I put Clyde’s crate in the closet because he doesn’t need it when I’m gone for just a short while. This has given me more room to work with. It was tight in there for a few days. I need to adjust some things to put the small tank on my dresser. A betta in the bedroom will be nice.

We talked about some of my volunteer work. The person I’ve teamed with to write to elderly shut ins has the flu so we’ll be behind schedule by about 2 weeks. That’s not a problem, not really. I can do work here at home for the project which includes preparing a meal for my partner to deliver sometime this winter. We’re doing one meal and regular letter writing. The letters are by hand, not printed off.

As far as dolls and such are concerned, I’ve completed one doll and messed up one teddy bear. I jacked that bear up something fierce! I’ve gotta get a better, easier teddy bear pattern bc this way isn’t working.

I got notice yesterday that it is much better to send funds for relief efforts because its easier to purchase supplies such as clothing, food and water than it is to rent and maintain storage facilities and then sort through all the items. This means I need to change up part of my relief efforts. I will continue to make the dolls for some of the areas but other areas will be better assisted by simple monetary donations made by whatever sales I get from art or whatever.

I’m happy to be kept informed of the need and of how best I can assist. If this changes then I’ll change my relief efforts. I am pleased to know that we will have ‘boots on the ground’ until the job is done. We will abandon no one! People have signed up to volunteer for as long as a year to help rebuild homes in Texas, Florida, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Imagine person after person volunteering their time year after year to assist those in need. That’s a wonderful thing. That makes me very proud to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, very proud. The other place I donate to is the Julian Center of Indianapolis which is a domestic violence shelter.

I will not travel as a volunteer, my boots will be on the ground locally assisting with sewing projects and with the elderly and chronically ill. I’ll still tackle school and manage here at home. Despite my anxiety, there’s a lot to feel good about, much to look to with anticipation and in some cases, pride.

Tonight’s dinner is a small piece of cheese cake and red wine. Yeah, it’s like that. I’m so not cooking anything. I have some sewing to do and a pooch to brush and spoil. I gotta make him a shirt. 🙂 I cut his blanket in half so he can have one in the living room and one in the bedroom, then I made him a small pillow from part of it.  It just so happens the color matches my dark chocolate throw rug in the bedroom. I love when stuff falls into place nicely.

Therapy went well and the day has been manageable. I’ll ask for nothing else.


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