Content: Sexual abuse. Innocence of children. Violent speech. Anxiety insight.
I vomited up details just to give them away because I don’t want them anymore. I’ve not gotten to say what I want to say, the way I want to say it. He doesn’t flinch when I add anger and resentment to my words.
We talked about not realizing the purpose of the girl’s clubs for inner city girls. We talked about how the girls my mother chose for special attention didn’t look like me but looked like my sister. I resent that.
Despite all the abuse going on, I still managed to miss so much, to have the full scope elude me. Why? It takes adult eyes and adult reasoning to see such predatory behavior. Even when being abused there is still innocence. I was young. My mind didn’t travel down a dark road of suspicion like it can now. My mind was still innocent in that I didn’t even think to question some things. Why would I? Though I had early lessons in betrayal and abuse, the truth of the matter is, I was still innocent, inexperienced in life, unable to reason as an adult. Innocent. Thank goodness I didn’t grasp the scope of her dealings.
Decades on, my head plays the abuse and it makes me so angry. She beats me one too many times and I break the dowel rod in half and run her through. I pin her to the wall. She humiliates me one too many times and smiles in my face. I slash her throat so fast I don’t realize I’ve done it until it’s over. She falls down and I leave her there the way she left me so, so many times, just laying there feeling like I was going to die. That anger response stays in my head. I don’t have a desire to do that to anyone. It’s just that I still see the abuse and I still feel it. It makes me angry and I lash out in my head.
Dr. D commented that I spoke of the abuse with emotion this time, that I didn’t hide the fact that it makes me angry, that I felt a lot back then and now. There are feelings of being failed as a child, feeling unloved, feeling overlooked, hated, defeated, afraid. What I express vocally and with body language is more than what the others inside express. Their words may be strong but their tone is flat. They’ll say she was wrong and mean it but there is no obvious anger. That’s what Dr. D pointed out today as the difference between my session and sessions with others inside. I haven’t hidden the anger I feel towards our mother.
We talked about Michelle (15) being out more after Mary Jane died. She’s also out more now because she feels safe with Clyde. 🙂 Feeling safer is a good thing, however Michelle she sits and wrings her hands because of anxiety. Also, she vividly remembers abuse and still feels it on her skin. Knowing the source of the anxiety is helpful but it doesn’t change the need for an elliptical exercise bike. I will continue my serious search for one I can afford.